Carrier (TPA2)

36

    
I sit in the backseat of the rental car. It's all too silent around me. The only sound filling my ears is the sound of the car humming down the left hand side of the road.

Ryan didn't force me to leave with him. If anything, I forced myself. I keep telling myself this is what's good for me. Even though the decision is tough, my wolf keeps pulling me to going home. To North. Even she cannot make up her mind.

How can you just leave one baby an entire country away from you? It's impossible. I was already so close to leaving. I should have just waited on that plane. My eyes burn, and I press my head against the window.

"Can I hold you?" Ryan asks, tenderly. He had chosen to sit in the back seat, leaving Lucas and Marcus up front. I breathe, then glance over at Ryan. His eyes are pleading, and he's begging for me to give him permission to touch me.

It's like the first time I met him. I was so scared of him. Now, I'm terrified of myself. I did Ryan wrong, and now he's still trying to have me. He deserves so much better than me. So much better.

I so desperately want him to hold me, and try to tell me that this will all be better. I want to wake up from a dream, a sick and twisted dream. Life doesn't work that way. This is real. Everything is so real.

The sounds. The smells. The feelings. It's all there, and it won't go away. My heart aches, and I feel like it's stuck together by wet glue. But, the kind that never really holds anything for too long.

"No." I whimper. The expression he gives me only tears my heart into smaller pieces, if that's even physically possible. I feel myself gain an even greater weight on my shoulders.

All he wants to do, is be close to his mate. Do you only care about yourself? My wolf screams into my mind. I didn't let him for that reason- I didn't care about myself. I can't bring myself to be next to him while
I still smell and feel the shame of Alex.

Ryan let's out a sigh and shifts. I don't pay attention, my eyes focus on the scenery passing through. Red car, blue jeep. I pay attention to the cars, and their tags. I pay attention to anything that keeps my mind off of Ryan, and Alex, and Alex, and North. I try. Yet, the harder I do, the harder it hits me.

Suddenly, my wolf goes crazy. Ryan's arms snake around my body and pull me against him. "Come here," he murmurs into my hair, pulling me against his lap like I'm a child.

Why can't he just leave me alone? That's all I want. I want to sulk in what I've done, and what I'm going to do. "Let me go." I beg, pushing against his chest. He only seems to hold onto me even more.

"I'm not letting you go again."  Ryan says, his voice is calm, and most of all, soothing. My eyes momentarily shut as his fingers touch my chin.

"Look at me, Taylor." He demands. He doesn't has an ounce of anger in his voice. Ryan is completely monotoned. I cannot tell what his emotions are. I merely glance at his eyes before looking in another direction. My heart aches at the thought of what I had done to him. The guilt is eating me alive.

"Please." He begs. Never have I heard Ryan beg anyone this much. Yet, on the other hand I haven't been around much. Has he changed? My wolf yells in protest. If I'm not careful, she might even take over. She feels guilty too. I mean- instead of putting up a fight she just left.

My eyes bare into his. His look is gentle, and he let's out a breath. I felt the tingles as I looked into them. The ones that I hadn't felt in a long time. It isn't the mate bond, but the bond he and I shared even beyond that. My heart swells, and I think piece by piece it might be fixing a few of the broken pieces back together. It doesn't make sense out loud, but it sounds perfect to me.

"Don't push me away. You can do anything else, scream, cry, break things. Just please don't push me away. I've searched so long and hard for you, Taylor. You don't know how badly I wanted to have you back in arms reach. I've spent countless hours without sleep, and depriving myself of any kind of nutrition because you're all I need. Just please, say something." He begs. I look down at his chest. It's uncovered, and scratches from his fight with Alex remain.

"I had a baby...why aren't you mad?" I croak. I try to refuse the tears wanting to spill. It doesn't work. They flood from my eyes before I can even realize what's happening. I cannot not cry. Too many emotions swarm through my head at too fast of a pace.

"I can never be mad at you, Taylor. I love you. Please get that through your head. You didn't volunteer to go home with him. I destroyed the place he got you from. I know what happened, Taylor. You can't blame yourself." He whispers, wiping the tears from my eyes with his thumb.

I should be happy that he isn't mad. Deep down I want him to be mad. He's allowed to be mad. Hell, I would be.

"But you don't know.." I whimper. The psycologist, the doctors visits, the feelings.

"Taylor," he croaks, "baby, please quit crying. I hate seeing you like this." He begs. My heart aches at the way he says my name. I shake my head. I cannot stop the tears, no matter how hard I try.

"I love you." He utters. I look down at his chest. I cannot bring myself to say three simple words back.

I'm so sorry the chapters have been short lately!!! I don't even know what to think about the chapter. I feel that Taylor is beating herself down about this more than Ryan is! How do you guys feel? Thoughts? Comments?