Carrier (TPA2)

43

I sit underneath a willow tree not too far from the pack house. I know better than to run away and hide somewhere. As much as I want to, I know that running away from my problems will not help me resolve them.

My cheeks turn wet from my own tears. Reality is starting to hit me harder than I ever knew possible. Ryan didn't wait for me to come back. He probably didn't even expect me to come home.

My bottom lip quivers as I look down at the green grass. I guess I was so happy about coming home, I didn't even think twice about anything bad happening.

Ryan slept with the woman who had taken me. He gets her pregnant, and defends her, over me. It tears my heart to pieces. Why didn't he stick up for me?

My heart aches. Even my wolf wanted him to be on my side over all of this. I have every right to treat her like dirt. She ruined my life. She's the reason I haven't gotten to see my beautiful little girl in nearly two years.

Does that even matter to him? Do I still matter to him, or has he moved on? I feel my lungs fill up with air and I let it out shakily.

I don't know if I'm getting what I deserve or not. It might be Karma. I had a baby with Alex, now Ryan has a baby with....Peyton. It's sick. Twisted.

My stomach does flips as I think about it. I feel as if I'm going to throw up both my lunch and my emotions all at once. I deserve this. I let out a sigh and try to control my tears as they keep falling. I can't keep them tamed.

"I'm such a baby." I whimper to myself. I've tried too hard to pretend that nothing has been bothering me since I've gotten back. Truth is, every single thing bothers me.

But this, this is beyond that. I can't wrap my mind around why Ryan had stuck up for Peyton and not me. He knows what she did, and yet he hasn't done anything but let her do as she pleases.

"Hey, babygirl." I hear a familiar voice. I let out a shaky breath and glance towards the person who was apparently talking to me. Lucas. He gives me a soft smile and I shake my head.

I don't say anything, instead I stare down at the dirt. My eyes burn as I momentarily close them. It falls silent, and for awhile the only sounds I hear are me sniffling and the birds chirping.

I haven't really spoken to anyone very much lately. It breaks my heart knowing that I haven't even spoken to Lucas in such a long time. He's such a great guy.

"What's wrong?" He asks, furrowing his eyebrows. My bottom lip quivers and I shake my head. I can't bring myself to say it out loud. I don't know why this entire situation is tearing me apart.

"It's okay, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to." He let's out a soft sigh and looks around. Lucas looks sincere and forgiving. He takes a seat next to me and sighs.

Slowly, he pulls me against him in a friendly hug. I rest my head against his shoulder and out of habit, I begin to cry.

"Taylor, honey. Please don't be upset." He sighs, running his fingers through the ends of my hair. "I want you to know, that no matter what happens between you and him, he will always choose you over anyone or anything." He mumbles. Sure..

"She only said that she's carrying his baby. It isn't a fact yet, and I want you to keep that in mind. Let's hope for the best, but we must remember to expect the worst out of every situation. Trust me when I say, if Ryan didn't think she was pregnant, he would have let you beat her until she had a breath left in her. The only reason he stopped you and protected her was because he doesn't want anything done to a baby. You understand that, right?" He mumbles into my hair. My heart sinks. Why does he have to be so right? I swallow.

"He didn't act like he cared." I let out a soft breath. My eyes stare at the ground and I furrow my eyebrows. "He has feelings for her, doesn't he?" I ask. Say it isn't true.

He doesn't say anything, and it makes my heart sink down into my stomach. My bottom lip pokes out and tears flood from my eyes like a dam had just been broken. Never has my heart ached this much with grief.

Minutes pass with me crying into his shoulder and him rubbing my back. There's absolutely nothing I can say. I don't have anything to say.

"Baby?" I hear Ryan call. I don't dare lift my eyes from the ground. Lucas let's out a breath and takes his hand off of my back in an instant. I shift, and lean against the tree again.

Lucas is up and on his feet. "Sorry Taylor, but I've got to go. I'll talk to you later, okay?" He says. I simply nod my head and mumble yeah. I keep my eyes on the dirt. I can't look Ryan in the eye.

"Taylor." Ryan croaks. I merely glance up at him. He looks distressed. I'm sure there are a million things running through his head right now too.

"What do you want?" I snap. I can't let him see me break even more. He already made his decision. He wants peyton, not me. He let's out a soft breath and takes a seat beside me. I stay still.

"I didn't come here to argue with you, baby. I just came to explain myself to you." He says gently. Why does it hurt so much? I glance up at him then back down.

"What is there to explain?" I ask. "I already know what happened. I was there through it all. Peyton is pregnant, with what I'm sure is your child. I went and did what I've been waiting to do for two years to her, and then you stick up for her. There's nothing to explain." I snap. He used his alpha tone on me. I thought that I was supposed to be his equal.

Ryan let's out a huff. "I can't let you hurt her if she has a baby, Taylor. Especially since it's mine." He says lowly. I know he's getting agitated already.

"But you can let her run around and pretend that she never did anything wrong? Are you forgetting that I was kidnapped by her and some guy? Did that even cross your mind that she deserves some kind of....punishment!?" I snap. Anger boils inside of me. How dare he just expect me to just forget what happened.

"I'm not forgetting about it Taylor. Nor will I ever. She has gotten what she deserves." He snaps back. My jaw clenches. He's only making me angrier.

"Because of her Ryan, I have a fucking baby in England that I will never be able to see again, I missed my daughter's first steps, her first words and everything! I lost everything because of her, and you stick up for her! How the hell do you think that's going to make me feel, Ryan!?" I have tears running down my face. I can't control myself.

"How the hell do you think it makes me feel? Not everything is about you! I don't want to say it because it sounds terrible, but I've had to do it all on my own. I didn't ask for any of this to happen." He growls. My heart sinks. I'm not trying to make it all about me. Is that what he thinks?

I open my mouth to say something but nothing comes out. "Why do you keep sticking up for her?" I whimper. Why am I so jealous?

My wolf is angry, but she craves him. I look over at him to see his eyes blazing with rage. Clearly I have set him off.

"I'm not sticking up for her. Why are you being so damn jealous?" He asks. My bottom lip quivers and I look down at my hands.

"I was so happy to come home and be with you and North. Now she's in the way of that, and I can't stand it because I keep thinking that you might decided to be with her instead of me." I whimper. I hate myself for being this way.

"Taylor," he breaths, tugging me to him. I try and fight but I don't fight hard enough. Eventually I stop fighting all together. "I'm not going anywhere." He says softly. "I cant promise you that this will turn out okay, but I can promise you that I'm not going anywhere." He whispers against my hair. My heart aches as he makes that promise.

Ryan kisses the top of my head and holds me close to him, rocking me back and forth like I'm an infant in desperate need of being cradled. A hug is what I need right now.