Dear Diary,
I haven't written in here in a while, but I'm very lost. I met a boy not too long ago I thought he was cool at first and really enjoyed talking to him. Then I noticed him flirting with every female around. He said he liked me but I didn't want another one of those relationships. Soon after I met a girl. She was funny, beautiful, and very caring. I saw Christ shine through her. She stunned me. I really liked her and I thought she liked me but after we left the retreat I met her at she never texted me. I don't blame her maybe she just saw me as a friend and she noticed I liked her a lot more and got scared. Or maybe she just doesn't want to talk to me. And then me and my former Dom have been talking and having sexual conversations a lot lately. Of course I get into them sometimes because I'm a teenager, but I wish there was some emotion but I still all ask for the sexual conversations. I kinda think I'm over being in love with him. I see him a lot more as ending up with one of the friends I used to be close to. And me and another good male friend that I really like have been talking a bit. He and I have made a weird agreement where I will do sexual stuff whenever he wants unless I am sick or something and when he is not in the mood he will treat me like a princess. It will never lead to actual sex because neither of us really want that right now. And oh last night he was being really kind like saying I know I am not around everyday to say it so I want you to say "im beautiful" every day out loud to yourself. And then he was just acting really nice and funny. Before we hung up FaceTime last night he made me promise to go to bed by 10. It made me feel special and cared about. I told him this morning thank you for the way you acted even if it was just part of the deal. And he said I'm not faking any of the caring. It kinda made me happier. I know he only wants to be friends. I may want to be more, but sometimes being a friend with benefits and a lot of caring is great too.
I don't know if I have said this before but I am actually terrified of having sex. I'm scared of the pain first. Then, I am scared of being that vulnerable and open. Third, I am terrified of people seeing my whole body. Fourth, I am scared someone will be completely turned off by my scars and last I am scared that I will disgust who sees me just with my body being visible. Anyway I'm tired night night
-Allie
