Dear diary,
So I guess sometimes even if your miserable and want to cry one slight bit of affection from you can make you perfectly okay.
So today I had fencing team practice. We had to run well me being me who barely eats pushed myself harder than I should of gone. I nearly threw up and blacked out. I wanted to cry really hard because it's just so hard. I constantly think I'm fat and shouldn't eat. I constantly think I need to be smaller. Sure I often say the person whose opinion matters most thinks I am skinny enough. He probably thinks I'm too skinny honestly. But you know I hate the way I look. I honestly know I will have to eat more though. I will honestly probably ending up forcing myself to eat. I kind of wish sometimes people would care enough to make sure I eat but you know that wont happen so. Gosh my head hurts. I need food I haven't eaten yet.
So at fencing not only was my eating bad but I had a huge wave of depression hit. I don't know why sometimes I guess it feels like Jack doesn't care. I know he can't always show if he does but you know it still breaks my heart. I guess also seeing someone flirt with him a lot and him flirt back. Sometimes I wonder if it's because he can't be with me and he wants someone he can't be with... I honestly don't know. I don't even know if that's why I was sad. I told another friend of mine it was getting so bad I'd probably cut tonight. I still don't know that I won't but I'll try not to.
But you know after fencing team practice Jack did make me pretty happy. I got two hugs, he rubbed my ass slightly and I actually got a kiss. It honestly made me extremely happy. He is so amazing... Ughhhhhh I love him and I'm hoping it doesn't get me hurt. I hate being this vulnerable. It honestly kind of scares me. I'm really really fragile and am easy manipulated and hurt. Part of me started wondering if all I was to Jack was an easy fuck. I doubt I am but you know I still think about it. I'd never actually say this straight to his face but it still hurts the same. I get really scared to actually talk to him about how I feel it leaves me vulnerable and well I just have bad anxiety about that stuff. Sometimes I honestly wonder if even if we could be would me and Jack be dating. Gosh I'm too depressed for my own good. It's gunna make my life a lot harder...
Anyways lunch was fun. I got to lay my head on Jack's chest and shoulder and kiss his arm and suck on his fingers and run my nails down his back and have my hand in his pocket. Damn it was perfect. He's perfect. I love him so much. I honestly wish he was here so I could just kiss him and cuddle with him. Is that stupid? Eh I don't care it's what would make me happy. Anyway I have food now so I shall eat. Bye.
-Allie
