Dear diary,
So one of my friends made a very good point yesterday. He said it was sad my friends cared about me more than I care about me. Thinking about that I guess it is kinda sad. I have friends who love me while I'm sitting here completely hating myself. I mean deep inside I know there are good things about me. Admitting they are true scares me though. I'm scared if I have a self esteem it will be knocked down. I need to learn to care about what happens to me though I need to learn to care about how I end up. And that is my next step in recovery.
Also I need to learn how to trust Jack. Honestly I know he loves me and trusts me and doesn't want to hurt me. He doesn't do things to intentionally break me down. He had trusted me with things he hasn't trusted others with. He has always been smart and logical about problems. He wouldn't cheat on me. He wouldn't try to severely hurt me emotionally. Honestly he is an amazing guy and I need to give him the trust he deserves. He has my heart he deserves my trust.
Also, I had an idea for how me and Jack could date at school. Id never actually tell Jack completely of the idea and beg him to try it because well honestly he thinks more logically about it than I do and knows we can't. But my idea was we just keep acting like we are and don't show a ton more affection. We don't outright tell people we are dating but if they ask we say yes. I know it seems stupid but it was just a random idea.
Anyway I hope today is fun with Jack like every other day. He's perfect and I hope my shirt brings back a few memories that tease him.
-Allie
