Dear diary,
It's funny how everyone says it gets better, the pain is just temporary, and happiness will come. Most days I think of the future and what I really want to do yet lately I've been wondering if I will even have a future. Most days I'd honestly rather go back to the institution. I want to recover so badly. It's just so hard when all the good has hell packaged with it. Sometimes it's scary when I can only find comfort in blades because I don't wanna hurt everyone else. Some days I know a hug from jack and it will be okay will make it better. Others well all I can think of is the death taking over to take the pain of life away. I think about stepping in front of a car or sitting on train tracks daily. Tonight I think about hanging myself with rope as I watch the blood bleed out of my body. I probably won't do it but it is probably the only thing that will take this pain away. I just want a happy simple relationship. I wish we could just show we care about each other. It hurts my heart to see other couples hug and hold hands and show love to each other. I think knowing I can't have that love breaks my heart more than anything. I often don't see the point in going on when I can't be happy most days. Some days all I need is a kiss on the head and an it will get better I promise, but I know that won't happen, Some days I just want to end my life because I'm scared of what my future holds. I'm so fragile I don't know what else I can take. The light in life continues getting duller. I question how much my soul can take. I am so happy around Jack, yet when I'm alone I think of all the problems and just cry. Some days I think he doesn't wanna risk it because I'm not worth it. I know it's not true but some days it seems so possible. I usually doubt Jack thinks about this as much as I do. I honestly wonder if it hurts him like it hurts me. I feel so vulnerable and fragile like this. What no one I think truly knows is I would do anything to be able to have a normal relationship with him again. Hell I'd stop cutting if it'd help. I feel like my hearts on a ledge and is just waiting for someone to push it off and let it die or pull it back and save it. It's the scariest and saddest and most stressful thing in my life at the moment.
Good news though. I am eating again. I hate the weight gain and the feel of a full stomach, but I know it is best. At least I am getting better in one way...
I really want to be institutionalized again school is killing me. It's so stressful and makes recovery even harder. Especially when you see love surrounding you but know you can have none. When you see people flirting or being all over the one you love but can't say shit. It has made me lose so much joy. I was honestly happier in the hospital. That is the scariest thing a person can ever say for me. Because when ur in a place where you are constantly depressed but still happier than you are at home and school, that means the things you want are killing you. But maybe just maybe some people like me were meant for self destruction and suicide.
-Allie
