Dear diary,
I should stop trying to be happy it always ends bad. I've always been scared of joy because it ends in pain. I'm honestly seriously contemplating suicide tonight. It's just my heart is so weak. My soul so screwed up. The sadness is overwhelming. I need death to take it away. I will never be okay. I never am okay. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of giving back into my eating disorder and starving again. There isn't a day that goes by that cutting doesn't cross my mind. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't want to kill myself. Some days all it would take is to be hugged by someone I love. Others nothing can fix it but crying. I know that I've screwed up having a simple loving relationship for a long time of I can even ever have one again. Love is not something that comes easy. Love is something that causes pain and worry and also joy. Love is not simple. Love is honestly never perfect because no one is perfect. People have flaws, people make mistakes, and people argue. But it takes love to overlook those flaws, forgive and let go of the mistakes, and overcome the arguments. No relationship will ever be perfect. Honestly in my opinion if you never cried because of a relationship you never really cared or loved that person. Love will bring you up and break you. Love will give you heaven and hell. Love is something I have too many times taken for granted. I have learned love is hard. I've learned in a way love can itself be self harm. In love you can shine or shatter. Just always put your heart into it and try to love like you have never been hurt.
Eh so maybe I won't kill myself tonight. It depends. Part of me honestly doubts anyone would cry from it. I doubt I honestly make anyone's day or make a difference in anyone's life. Another part believes everyone is better off. A tiny part buried deep inside thinks maybe just maybe my friends care a tiny bit. I'm honestly not sure though. I'm sinking back into my whole of depression and this time it might just bury me. I know I haven't cut since I have been home but I still dont think I will be okay. I don't know. Honestly I will have to depend on myself to drag me through this. I can't keep depending on death or others. What if I lose everyone. What if I fail every suicide attempt. I'm going to have to depend on me some. It'll be hard but I have to try. I don't think I can die tonight. Days like this are what make me want to go back to the hospital just so I am safe from myself.
-Allie
