Dear diary,
Well I guess I'm not worth much. The only person who will actually talk to he right now is making me feel guilty for feeling suicidal. I just I don't see the point in my life. I hurt the ones I care most about every day. Maybe I'm just too screwed up for happiness. Some days I begin to wonder what love and happiness are. Love well it's supposed to be where you'd work for abs try anything to make another person happy where that one persons smile can make your day alone. Where the most important thing is that person. I think as a society we have lost that type of love. I think as a society we fall into what we think is love all too often and never know which love is true. If the love is true it will prevail through all obstacles. It will come back after every fight. It will never end and will be unforgettable. Maybe that's what I need to keep in mind for this relationship if it is love it will prevail, if it doesn't it was never meant to be. And well happiness. It's supposed to be a heightened emotion where your heart warms and you don't feel the sorrow of life. Happiness is when you can't see the bad anymore when you only see the good and the positive. I don't feel that way very often most people believe they haven't seen me truly happy to where my eyes light up since they saw me and Jack dating. Part of me finds that very sad because if only one person makes me happy I can't stand on my own two feet. It means I will never be able to be happy on my own which leaves me a lot of room to get hurt. That's really scary for most people, that vulnerability. I know it is for me as well. Some might say I worry too much about these things which makes me doubt they have been broken by a breakup. But at the end of the day only God knows how this will end. He has his plan for me and unless I kill myself I will someday know what that plan is. It's weird to believe in God again. I hope he will help save me from this hell.
Anyway, suicide is on my mind again. There is always the fear of the what ifs I have to face. There are always the fear of things getting worse before they get better. There is always a fear of losing control of everything, there's always the fear of losing everything. There's always the constant thoughts that I will never be good enough and why am I even here. People say that gets better. Someone please fucking show me when because over the last 5 years my life has just gotten worse. It's funny how the only reason I am alive tonight is I don't have the means to kill myself. I bet some would find that sad or frightening yet I just find it funny. Like I find it funny that I've given up on not hurting others and trying to be happy. I find it hilarious I'm finally prepared for death.
Good news though I didn't cut tonight. I guess writing in here has helped a lot with that. It let's me find release in a healthy way. Maybe this is one coping skill I will actually use. It's helped more than anything but love and that is amazing.
Okay my dog has stayed close to me constantly the past few days. I think he's trying to help with my depression more than most people. Animals are really good for that. Ok well he's laying with me and I'm tired so bye.
-Allie
