Dear diary,
Have you ever wondered what is life? Life is love, mistakes, and the train to death. I used to say death was inevitable so why not let it happen now. I am beginning to realize I have to take the bad in life to get the good. Life is also inevitable so why not live the moments and take them as they come. You can't really have a rainbow without some rain. Life's not a fairytale. There will be ups and downs. Yes depression and anxiety suck but they are not worth hurting people you love and ending all the good in your life forever. Sure sometimes having the blade but not using it is still a safety blanket for me but at least I'm not cutting. That's a step in the right direction. I have hurt myself and people I love in more ways than I can count and I don't think any things worth that anymore. You only have so many friends and people who will love you don't destroy them because they may not stay forever.
You know what I have realized some people you were meant to meet and be changed by but to never see again, and I'm kinda okay with that. People and our thoughts of ourselves shape who we are. That's horrible in today's society but it's true. I've had to learn you have to keep the right people around and let the bad go. Sometimes letting people out of your life hurts but it hurts because it matters. Some people are just better off apart and I think accepting this is the most important part of my recovery. I also have to learn I can't just be there for everyone else I have to be there for me too. My happiness is important too. My opinion and emotions matter. I actually do matter.
I am starting to see some positive in me. I'm kinda cute. I'm weird. I love my hair. I'm there for people when they need it. I am very loving and I care a lot about others. That's really a good start for how I see myself. I feel proud.
Ughhhhhh I'm lonely and tired now. I kinda wish Jack was here so I could kiss him and fall asleep in his arms. I'm wearing his boxers now and they are the most comfortable thing ever. Well other than his shirt which I am wearing tomorrow. Gosh just the thought of him makes me happy. Is that bad? I am such a strange person. And damnit I wish I could hug Jack tomorrow or he would hug me but I never know when and I'm too lazy to ask. That's sad that it's one thing I really want and I'm too lazy to ask. Eh still he makes me happy with what we do do so unless he hugs me I think I'll be fine. I love the kid. Some days when all my friends are holding their boyfriends hands I wish I could hold his but you know not everything goes my way. I do honestly wish me and him could have a relationship but you know I'll just have to be patient and see where the year takes us. I'm happy for now.
- Allie
