Dear diary,
So I am not okay. I just ate and even though I knew I was going to I still hate myself for it. I hate my body even more now I'm losing my rib cage and my chest bones and it disgusts me. I disgust myself with my fat. I pinch my fat and want to puke because it is so gross. I need to lose weight. I miss that constant empty feeling. It made me feel like I was doing good. My stomach growling made me happy and push myself harder. I know that sounds horrible but I honestly want it back. It made me lose weight and I like that. I like being small. I swear it's a love hate relationship with my eating disorder.
Gosh all my depression thoughts just hit again.
"You're worthless"
"No one honestly loves or cares for you they just feel bad for you"
"You are too broken for love"
"You are too fucked up to amount to anything"
"Everyone secretly hates you"
"Go ahead cut no one will give a rats ass"
"Kill yourself"
"Everyone is better off without you"
"Jack would be happier if you were out of his life"
"Cutting will help"
"You are so ugly what makes you think anyone would care about you"
"You're too fat"
"Starve bitch"
"Every guy who said he loved you just wanted you to get in your pants"
Gosh these thoughts are killing me. I want to cry so bad. Damn I want to cut as well. Oh how amazing it sounds. A beautiful small shiny piece of silver cutting into scarred skin making a beautiful crimson color pour out of me. That sounds so amazing and beautiful. Suicide sounds amazing right now too but I'm too scared of failure. I honestly know I shouldn't cut but it's so tempting. Self harm is the only thing that can't leave me. Maybe that's why I am so attached. It's the only thing that I can always depend on that I know can't leave me. I honestly think that's really sad. I'm honestly scared of what my depression is gunna end up doing to me. Where it will take me. That's very scary. Honestly part of me doesn't want to give up my depression and self harm because I don't know who I am without it. And that scares me more than anything in the world. I'll try not to cut...
-Allie
