Dear diary,
It sucks when everyone around you is falling in love, being happy, and showing affection and you can not even act like you are dating the person you love. I feel sometimes I have fucked up so much that i deserve this. It hurts to cry all the time because you love someone and they love you and ya'll cant have relationship because his parents hate you. Sometimes i wanna say everyone deserves a second chance, but you know maybe I dont. Some days i just want to hold jacks hand and hug him and kiss his chest and at act like we are dating. It gets harder every day. I am slightly scared to tell Jack that this is hurting me to the point of suicide. If we had a real second chance, Id give it everything i have. I am so affectionate this is the hardest thing in the world for me. Oh yea, but i have a new happy place that should help with the cutting because of this situation.
Asleep, nothing but skin to skin, my head in Jacks chest, his arms around me. Nothing but the feel of love and safety. Being woken up to a simple kiss on the forehead and a "morning baby." Just being with the perfect person.
I hope that happy place will help me. I just wish we could say screw everyone else and at least act like we are dating at school. I doubt that will hapy anytime soon though. I guess until then i can at least use him as a footrest at lunch and draw on and run my nails down his back in spanish. Its really funny how the littles affection we show warms my heart so much. Even just holding his hand i couldnt stop smiling. I swear he could make me smile through anything. I really wish me and him could just have a happy simple relationship though. But for today i think i will leave this with a poem that expresses my feelings.
I look around and think of you
through the thoughts of hell and death
and see love, care, and hope
I remember the feel of my lips against yours
My chest to yours
My skin pressed against yours
Nothing could hurt me then
Oh what Id give to have that back
the warmness
the love
the safety
I guess though as long as the love stays
I will make it
With the feeling of love
I will make it
-Allie
