Dear diary,
Okay here is the truth about me:
Ever since I was little my dad said I only cared about myself and that me and my mom never cared about him. He always said he was going to put me in foster care. He always said I wasn't good enough at listening. He always said I'd be happy if both of them died. He even said that when either of them could of died. My dad constantly made me feel bad about myself.
I have said I wanted to die since my grandmother died. She was the only adult I ever trusted. I saw her everyday and I told her almost everything. She was the only adult who actually knew me. The only one that was there for me when I was hurt. I actually have never told any adult add much as I have told her ever. Ever since she died I cried my eyes out every night. I only got good at hiding it in sixth and seventh grade.
Ever since I was little I lost friends a lot. Now I honestly don't have any friends I had before sixth grade. Most of my friends were foster kids that I got close to every time one had to go back to their parents I would cry. One of them was like a sister to me and when she left I cried for days.
Ever since I was young my sister called me a bitch and a brat and would argue with me a lot. She'd make me feel stupid and horrible any chance she could. She caused me to have a ton of breakdowns and cry a lot.
I rarely get to see my brother I actually like talking to.
When I was in fifth grade my dad was diagnosed with an incurable blood disease that can only be temporarily stopped. He had to go through chemotherapy and was really week for about a year. It caused the family a lot of stress and made me cry a lot worrying about him.
Ever since sixth and seventh grade I have gotten crap for my weight. I used to have someone poke my stomach and they have my stomach a name. My sister even called me fat. I started having nightmares that my grandmother called me fat. It made me hate my body constantly.
Towards the end of seventh grade I started dating a guy named James. James made me fall for him really hard and for a long time acted like he really cared about me. When eighth grade started something changed. He started acting like he was too good for me at school and like he didn't care about me at school. But when he texted me he acted like I was his whole world. It made me cry a lot and it caused me to choke myself for the first time. A few weeks after I choked myself I ended up breaking up with him and dating Jack for the first time. About a week after me and Jack started dating James started hurting himself and making me feel like it was my fault. This made me break down and cut for the first time a few weeks later James started cutting and making me feel guilty again. This made me feel horrible so I started cheating on Jack with him and when I stopped cheating on Jack with James James still made me feel horrible. But Jack made me honestly happy and made everything in life okay.
Then a huge problem happened. Jack's parents found a bra and panties in his suitcase and read through our texts. Ever since then his parents have hated me. They blocked me from his phone said we couldn't see each other anymore and made him break up with me. I took that pretty hard and that was the first time I choked myself with a rope and hoped to die but didn't.
After that I dated 2 rebounds. One of which was actually a really sweet guy. Then I dated another guy who honestly made me love him but. He honestly just said the sweet things he did and acted the way he did to get me to do the sexual crap he wanted. After that me and Jack actually fell fit each other again.
About two months ago my mom had to have a serious surgery to remove cancer in her mouth. She did not to have to have chemotherapy but it was still scary and stressful.
About a month ago I overdosed to try to kill myself. I was tired of being depressed and not being able to be fully happy ever. I lived and was sent to a mental hospital for a week and a half. It was awful and I only stayed clean from cutting 3 days while being there. It didn't help much.
So there's most of my past that makes me this fucked up person. Maybe it will help show someone else why I am who I am because honestly I don't understand how I've become this bad.
-Allie
