Dear diary,
Damnit all. I'm sitting here trying not to cry my eyes out. Trying not to cut. Trying not to end my life. My emotions are piling on top of each other. All I honestly want is death. I can't handle emotions anymore. My heart keeps beating yet inside I already feel like I've been stripped down to my core and am just a dead empty shell. I honestly don't exactly sure why I am this depressed. I know I am worried about Jack. In tired of knowing nothing's gunna get better in life for years. I'm tired of knowing I might always hate myself. I'm tired of breathing. Honestly breathing is hard and hurts because I'm so sad. Anytime I feel my heart beat I nearly burst into tears and thing god damnit why won't you just stop beating. I honestly have no will to live. Honestly Jack's life would be at least slightly simpler if I was dead. He wouldn't have to love or care about someone he could never be with anymore. Amber would have one less person to worry about and one less person injuring her boyfriend. Tara would have one person to worry about or help. Mantha would have less stress and one less person to worry about. Spot would have one less person stabbing him, asking him for advice, and worrying him. Blake would have one less person worrying about him and wouldn't have anyone keeping him from doing what he wanted. Caleb would have one less person putting him through emotional hell. No one else would really even notice. I'm not worth much. Sure I may be loving and caring but I'm also a lot of bad. I'm fragile. I get attached easily. I cut. I'm depressed. I have anxiety. I hurt everyone I'm friends with. I don't care about myself. I crave physical pain. I hate myself. I'm always lonely. I'm antisocial. I'm shy. I hate people. Love scares me. I'm shy. I'm so scarred. I'm broken. I'm easy to hurt. I'm sensitive. I'm emotional. I'm too much for anyone. I need everyone too much. I'm very dependent. I'm fat. I'm ugly. I'm an emotional wreck. I can not be completely happy. I argue a lot. I say a lot I don't mean. I put my care for everyone else before my care for myself. I'm hard to forgive. I'm secretive. I don't know how to function properly. I can't focus anymore. I worry too much. I lost myself. I don't want to live like this. At this moment I can't see the good thoughts anymore. All I can see in life is the pain. The never being good enough. The feeling worthless. I see nothing good. I see a hell more powerful than the hell under the earth's surface. I look around and see no hope. The only person talking me out of suicide is the one no one wants me talking to. He's not really helping though. I just all I can see is pain and hurt. I usually can separate myself from my emotions to analyze them and right now my sorrow is so strong I can't. I honestly don't know what to do. Part of me is contemplating just running away. Another says kill yourself it'll make everything better but no part wants to stay in this life and deal with it. I just can't do it. I may try another week I'm not sure but I can't stay in this state long it will end very badly. I'm emotionally broken. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel or what I'm honestly supposed to do. I know I feel horrible and want to cut then later kill myself. I'm just miserable and feel hopeless. I honestly dont want to live. I honestly see me having a future as something realistic. I see it as an impossible dream. I honestly just would rather die now. I honestly can't see a reason to wake up in the morning anymore. I can't see a reason to keep breathing. I honestly see my life as something that should have already been over. I don't see an honest reason to keep living every day. I honestly can't even fake a smile right now. I can barely breath right now. It feels like there is someone sitting on my chest. My sorrow is so bad combining with I won't let myself cry it hurts and tightens my chest. I feel like a heavy cloud is just sitting over me just pouring hurt into my soul. I feel like it's my time to say goodbye. I feel like I'm not who anybody really wanted. I feel like things would be so much better for everyone if I was gone. I feel like my hearts dead. I can't even feel love right now. The sorrow is too powerful to feel anything else. I need to cry. Hell it's so bad not even music will help. I see no hope. Honestly I don't know if anyone could bring me out of this slump. I don't know if anyone cares enough to. My body feels completely shattered. I just want to cry and die. Just let me die I need death its the only option I have left. Yet watch me get too scared to kill myself.
-Allie
