Letting Go

Chapter 28 - Letting Go

Tricia's POV

Sabi nila, pagnagmahal ka, hindi pwedeng hindi ka masasaktan. Dahil sabi nga ng iba, "How would you know love if there's no pain." 

Matututo kang gawin lahat ng bagay, matututo kang umunawa, makinig, at mag-advice. 

Matututo kang magmove on, at mag let go.

Maglet go sa mga bagay na -- dapat na talagang kalimutan, dapat ng pakawalan. 

Ako? Ilang beses ko na nga bang sinubukang magmove on? Ilang beses ko na nga bang pinilit na-- pakawalan ka na?

Mahirap kasi eh. Mahirap kasi nakasanayan ko na. Nakasanayan ko ng mabuhay ng nandiyan ka. 

I'll let you go. Susubukan ko na... No, gagawin ko na.

I was afraid to fall in love. More specifically, to open up so much to another person that he becomes your weakness. I was afraid to be vulnerable because I have been okay with my blissful depression every night. I was terrified to get hurt again.

I started believing that you would never leave me. Dahil yun nga ipinangako mo sa akin. 

"Hinding-hindi kita iiwan kaya wag kang matakot. Nandito lang ako para sayo."

 I even started visualizing a future with you. 

"Kahit na pumuti na yung buhok natin? Hindi kita iiwan. Hinding hindi ko kakalimutang hawakan yung kamay mo kahit pa kulubot na yung mga balat natin. Sabay nating papanuoring magmarch yung anak natin sa graduation. Sabay tayong tatanda, sabay tayong makikipaglaro sa mga apo natin. At higit sa lahat? Sabay tayong haharap sa Diyos. Tutuparin natin yung mga pangako natin, ng magkasama."

And to my dismay, I wish I hadn't started believing in all of those things. Because as the words of Stephen Chbosky goes, "Things change, and friends leave, and life doesn't stop for anybody."

Kaya eto ako ngayon. Pinipili kong ipagpatuloy ang buhay ko ng wala siya. 

Sobrang laking pasasalamat ko dahil binigyan ako ng isang tulad niya na magmamahal sakin.

I decided to write a letter. Hopefully, this would be the last letter that I'll be writing for him. 

"I was never ready for you to leave, even though I knew that would happen. I was never ready. And because of that, I chose not to give up on this. I chose to be selfish because I know this might never happen to me in a million years. I chose to be selfish because I love you. Honestly, I don't know where we're supposed to go from here. Too much love for you that I would spend my last breath seeing you here beside me even though you don't feel the same way towards me anymore. Lastly, thank you for the memories and the lessons that we made and learned. Know that I'm always here, ready to accept you with open arms and unconditional love. Until we meet again."

Huli na to. 

Pinapangako ko sa sarili kong huli na to. Huling beses ko na siyang iiyakan. 

Huling beses na para iparamdam ko sakanyang mahal na mahal ko siya.

Nandito ako ngayon sa tabing dagat. Pinapanood ang alon at ang buwan. Dapat sumabay tayo sa agos ng buhay.  Hindi mo pwedeng pigilang mangyari ang lahat. Hindi mo pwedeng pigilan ang pag alis niya sa buhay mo. 

May mga bagay na aalis sa buhay mo ng biglaan, may mga bagay na dapat hayaan nalang, pero may mg bagay na dapat talagang ipaglaban. 

"Maybe God gave us to each other during that time to teach us that sometimes the people we share promises with are not the one who'll fulfill every letter of it. I wasn't able to say thank you. So, here goes. Sorry we weren't ours to hold anymore but thank you because for a moment we were."

Tandaang i-let go na ang mga bagay na kusa ng bumibitaw sainyo. 

Masakit panghawakan ang isang bagay na siya mismong bumibitaw na. 

Dito na magwawakas lahat.

Lahat ng storyang sinimulan nating dalawa. 

Storyang sinubaybayan ng lahat. Storya ng pagmamahal ng buwan at araw.

"If I ever bumped to you somewhere and you're with her, because you know destiny and fate could be both playful at the same time, my initial reaction would be to give you an I-hate-you-and-I-hope-karma-hit-you-hard kind of stare, to basically make you feel guilty about leaving me. But now, I'll actually smile at you, give you the most genuine smile my face could create. Of course, there will still be prickling pain seeing you with another. I believe that you'll never lose care for someone, no matter how far you drift apart. it's just how life goes." 

Matututo na kong maging masaya sa kung anong meron ako. 

Magiging masaya ako para sakanila. 

I'm now officially letting him go. Letting him love anyone he wants, setting him free and all. 

"Letting you go was beautiful, yet tragic. My heart broke, but my mind settled knowing I wasn't going to hurt forever because of you."

"You taught me how to handle pain in a way I never thought I could."

I smiled. 

A smile that I've been waiting for. 

"Finally, I'm able to let you go. "

~