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Chapter 22

I wish I could say I slept like a fucking baby but Lucas' words kept ringing through my ears. 'I don't want you getting hurt, I don't want to lose you'. In reality they're simple and sweet words. But for me they go a bit deeper because yeah, I'm done professionally fighting after New Year's Knockouts but my revenge will probably get me killed. Not probably, it will. I mean Felix's guys carry guns for a reason. And unfortunately no matter what plan I come up with, there's no safety guarantee which is how I want to live this new life of mine. I want to feel all the time like I do right now, safe, with Lucas' arms wrapped around me.

A little piece of myself wants me to drop this 'revenge' idea and just follow through with the original plan of getting clean after New Year's. But then the rest of my body flashes back to Farkle and how defenseless he must have been, how much pain he was in, wondering where I am and why I'm not there to help him. I would have, if I had known. I feel a lone, warm tear trail down my cheek and I hug Sparky a little tighter. They deserve every single bad thing to happen to them, and I want to be the one to do it. I want to be the one to take everything away from them but in the end, I know I can't. The only time I see Felix is when he wants to see me. His daughters are easy, in fact I've thought about kidnapping them and dragging him out that way.

I know I'm fucking messed up but those girls are his pride and joy for whatever reason and he'd never want them to hurt. That's why he forces people to throw fights with Marissa, his favorite, to prevent her from getting hurt. Missy is the let down of the family and I can see why, she is sloppy and doesn't control her emotions in the ring so she loses a lot. I've come to the conclusion that the only way to hurt Felix, is to hurt his girls.

GMWGMWGMWGMWGMW

I finally did fall asleep at 4 o'clock in the morning, and funny story it is 8 o'clock and I'm awake again. I'm heading home but I've declared to everyone that it's going to be a fucking lazy day for me. It's nice and rainy outside so that was fun while I was riding home, but turns out it is perfect for a movie day. I turn on Fast and Furious and crawl into bed next to my man who is waiting with open arms. "Hey baby?"

"Yeah?" I've learned to deal with the fucking pet names, he isn't going to stop and it's an argument I know I will lose so, why waste the breath and energy to do so?

"Are you still going to get revenge?" Can he like read my fucking thoughts? "I had a dream last night sweetheart, I was attending your funeral." His breathing becomes unsteady and I can tell it really shook him up, "it was in February so it wasn't caused by you fighting."

"So what? You think it's déjà vu?" Probably, knowing my luck.

"I don't know what the hell it is. To put it bluntly, I don't ever want to fucking feel that way again." We sit in silence for a few moments and I feel my eyelids start to close when he speaks up again. "So are you?"

Knowing that it would be pointless to lie, I release a heavy sigh and reply, "If I was?"

His entire frame stiffens underneath my hold. "I'd ask you not to go through with it." I roll out of bed and saunter into my closet to change into something more comfortable. "Please sweetheart, don't do whatever it is you're planning."

My shoulders shrug on their own accord, "I don't even know what the hell it is I'm planning Sparky."

"Exactly, but you want to know what I'm wondering?"

I don't even turn around when I say, "No." I really, really don't. Even though I don't want to hear it he is going to tell me anyways. 

"That's too damn bad, because I'm going to tell you anyways." Told you. And now he chooses to get demanding? He knows how I feel about that. "You're being fueled by revenge for Farkle, that's what's fueling you and it's going to fucking eat you up." I step out in one of his t-shirts and I can tell he's trying not to get distracted by my bare legs while I rest my head against the door frame. "I don't um, I don't mean to sound like an intense action, superhero movie but once you go down this path for revenge, you won't come back. It will become easier and - I just wish you wouldn't even consider it."