The New Guy

waves

Mattie's POV

I woke up to my phone ringing. The room pitch black. I managed it out of my pocket and squinted and the bright light. Dad was calling. I did pay it much mine. I squinted at the time.

2:34 am.

It's no wonder he was calling me. As if his constant nagging on the way home from the hospital wasn't enough. I wonder when he'll realize that I just need some space and reassurance. Instead of expecting me to be perfectly fine and to grow a pair as if it didn't affect me.

The phone died down leaving me to see the notifications left. 18 missed calls. 12 text messages. And an email for a sale on ham in our local supermarket. That email made me feel lighter if I'm honest. Such a flip from the oncoming storm that's coming my way when I get home or even check the messages.

There's a slight guilt that's keeping me from checking because I should be home. I should be getting nagged at for whatever nonsense because dad's too afraid to touch the topic of Lovi. I should be seeing Francis trying to console dad. I should be seeing Al get home amidst dad and Francis fighting and see him get pulled in. I should be seeing the mess that's my family while I sit there with guilt because it all started with me.

I feel more at home here at Gil's house than I have anywhere else. It's a nice and blissful feeling that I wish I could enjoy. I wish reality could go fuck right off and let me enjoy this. Of course, there's always something wrong either with me or with someone or something. There's always something wrong. Always an itch the scratch but my nails being far too dull to satisfy it.

I'm a clueless moron half the time and it makes that itch worse and worse. Might as well just cut off a limb to stop it from spreading. But problem are not an infection so I have to deal with the consequences. And the consequences this time led to the worst.

I opened up the texts to see what they were. It was dad posing empty threats and frantically spamming questions that could help him find me. He's probably panicking right now trying to puzzle together where I might be. And the guilt in my chest only grew. For a slight second, I wish he never adopted me so all this wouldn't have happened, so no one would have to worry about me or waste their time with me. I burn the thought immediately knowing full well that I'd be worse off without him.

Damnit! Why is this all so fucking hard? Drowning isn't quite the right word for this shit. I feel like I'm caught in a sea storm being pulled down relentlessly until my limbs decide to give out. They're starting to now because I just can't take anymore.

I should tell Dad where I am. I should've told him everything already even if he would've ranted to me about it. I should've stayed by Lovino more. I shouldn't have ignored everyone. There were so many things I should've done that I didn't do. Too distracted by avoiding conflict at all costs.
I hate myself for all this. Every single bit of myself. Being in my own skin is hell. I'm better off dead at this point. That's another thought going in the fire. That's the easy answer and I know it. The easy way out has never been the best way out. But what could I do? Put on some stupid smile and act like I'm not drowning from the inside out? Cry like a baby in hopes that someone will pity me and fix it for me? Why does this have to be so fucking hard? Why does it have to hurt so much?

I didn't realize I was crying until I felt a sleeve rub against my cheek. 

"You don't have to go if you don't want to." I heard Gil say. "But at least tell them where you are. They're worried about you. Last thing they would want is to see you dead. You're lucky to have that." I damn near started balling right then and there. My phone was blurry as all hell as I managed to type out that I was at Gil's house and that I'd be back tomorrow. As soon as it sent I locked my phone. The light dying down. I stared off into the darkness for the longest time; silent. My chest felt like a knot, my stomach like ten knots, and the rest felt too weak or too heavy. I was this mass of things on top of Gil. His arms wrapped around me like they belonged there. His fingers tangled into the ends of my hair. I felt the knots in my stomach loosen a bit. 

I took a deep breath. Which felt like a good idea. Letting it go was mistake. It's like all knots in my body just ripped apart and whacked me hard enough to have me start sobbing. And these weren't quiet sobs, I was basically screaming. It was so loud, I think it even startled Gil a bit. I couldn't really find the time or energy to care. I couldn't hold it anymore. 

He never protested or really moved besides his hand petting my hair. He stayed silent. He was like rock keeping me down in reality. More like a boulder. My shit ton of baggage and I is a lot of weight to carry. Amidst my ridiculous sobbing, I felt my phone buzz. 

~

Father Figure: okay just be home eventually

I frowned at my phone wishing a little that dad instead came to get me. Being with Gilbert and skipping out on the school wasn't such a bad trade though. He was basically spoiling me with things. When I woke up, he threw some clothes at my face saying something about my clothes being uncomfortable. I could easily tell he just wanted me in his clothes. Not that I mind, it's comfortable and comforting. Then he carried me downstairs. We were lucky that by the time I woke up, only Toni was in the house and slept like a log. Then Gil made possibly the best pancakes anyone could ask for. 

It was an insane amount of pampering that had me a bit worried about him. I tried asking him when he was still making the pancakes but he only waved it off. Now here I sat, feeling like a overly papered cat eating what I'm telling myself will be the last of my pancakes. 

Tino was starting to spam me with where I was and if I was okay. I told him the simple 'I'm fine, don't worry'. That only caused a small lecture in regular Tino fashion that he was worried and that I should care about my well-being. It was during that I realized that I've been ignoring Tino way too much. It sucks because he's an all around great friend. I feel bad for leaving him in the dust. It's honestly surprising how he hasn't dropped me as a friend yet. 

"How are the pancakes?" Gil asked. He was finally done making an amount of pancakes that I'll regret eating later. 

"I need to know your secret to making them."

"You'll have to kill me to do that." 

"No fair." 

"It is because you're eating them."

I pouted, "You suck."

"Calm down."

"I'm calm, I just also happened to eat like two pound worth of pancakes."

"Your appetite amazes me."

"Well, I have eaten since breakfast yesterday so I could eat like two whole cows."

"You should treat yourself better."

"I know but it's kind of hard to remember to do that when I have my head up my ass." 

"Don't think so negatively."

"Alright, alright, I don't want another person nagging me." 

He smiled this weird type of smile. It looks a bit strained but also genuine. Weird.