The New Guy

Normal Library Stuff

Matt's POV

"Alright, I have officially activated my emotional support mode." Gil rubbed his hands together on anticipation after plopping down on the library couch.

"Are you a robot or something?"

"I am an ESA." He said monotonously. A little playful smile on his face though.  "Emotional Support Asshole."

"Seems legit." I plopped myself down right next to him, crossing my legs to appear professional. "Now, tell me, Emotional Support Asshole, what exactly can you do?"

"Depends on what you want." Gil's smile turned mischievous as he was about to drop the biggest joke in his life. He leaned close, his voice dropping in volume and octave. "Blowjobs included."

"Gilbert!" I yelped. Never in my life did I expect that. My face was flushed red instantly. I think my lungs might have given up for a second. Gil only laughed. And he laughed hard. He was creating such a ruckus that Kiku turned to us to see what the hell was going on. He looked me dead in the eye trying to contain his own laughter at my face. Death of please take me now, I'll pay extra.

"I'm sorry!" Gil finally sighed out as his laughter died down. "I'm sorry, I couldn't help myself."

"It's fine, really." I waved it off. The flush still clear on my face. It's here that I decided he needed pay back. So, I leaned over to him, dropping my voice just like he did. "But you owe me one." I heard him choke.

"You little devil!" He squeaked.

"You're one to talk."

"I might just die because of you-which really isn't that bad of a death if you ask me." He paused for a moment. He looked deep in thought. Though, eventually, he shook his head snapping himself out of his own thoughts. "Point is, I think I might die for you. Don't know if that's a casual feeling I should have or not." He shrugged.

"I think that's in-between casual and deep."

"Perhaps." He leaned back into the couch, his hands politely laying on his lap latched together. He looked at me with a straight face. While I did largely the same. We just sat there for a moment, staring at each other like some kind of freaks. Not that it was a bad thing. Far from it. This was the closest to a moment of calm I've gotten in awhile. I have never been more grateful for that. Who would've guessed it would've been with a guy I met not too long ago in the middle of the school library.

Of course, it would be with him though. I'm grateful for his entire existence, honestly. He's good support and just an all around amazing person. I can't help but go to him when all is going south. Which really makes me wonder how I dealt with anything in the past. After all, I'm not one to easily share my emotions. I always have trouble with the trust part in all relationships, really.

I'm afraid to get close in fear of losing anyone in the same way I lost my parents and basically Al at this point. I exist but I don't really exist to a lot of people. I'm a blur and that's what I choose to be around everyone. Even Lovi, I've kept distant acting like a cheerful idiot half the time. But with Gil, it's like he never wants to forget me. It's like he can tell the subtleties in my tone of voice. Like he's been studying it for years. Staring at him now, I don't see what I see in others' eyes.

I don't see concern like in dad's eyes. I don't see sadness like in Al's eyes. Or anger like in Lovi's eyes. Or distance like in Tino's. Or transparency like in Francis'.

I see a respect for me in Gil's eyes. An adoration for me, even. Dare I say, a love for me. And that should scare the living shit out of me. I'm not one meant to be loved. The whole concept makes me uncomfortable because I'm not used to it. I don't go throwing around 'I love you's all the time. I don't have the connections I should to do it naturally. I came close with Lovi but that was a trainwreck.

Gil is so different from all the other hundreds of people I've ever met. He's oddly wise and cheerful when need be. He's keeps his humanity, putting emotions into everything seemlessly. He's so natural and simple yet mysterious. It makes me want to dissect him and find every little detail about him so I can know how to keep him smiling because he's got the nicest smile in the world. Just looking at him makes me feel like all my problems aren't real. Maybe he feels that too. Maybe he would rather sit here in silence all day with me because it's comforting. He's like a bed I can't wait to return to after a long day.

"I love you." I whispered without entirely realizing it at first. Gil's reaction hit me hard though. He went wide-eyed. A pained look filling his eyes. He backed up woth a panicked look as if he didn't know what to do. "Shit-I-I'm sorry!" I shifted away from him, realizing my mistake. "I didn't mean to-I-just-" I tried getting up. Best to run from my problems, after all. He grabbed my arm and pulled me back down though.

"No, it's okay." He said. "I was just surprised." The panic on his face seemingly disappeared. Replaced by the softest smile I've ever seen. "It's not every day that I get told that the best person I've ever met loves me, as if that wasn't obvious enough." He lightly chuckled. "It's nice to hear it though." He took the biggest breath possible, making me wonder if his lungs were alright. "I love you too and that scares the living shit out of me."

"To be fair, it's the heaviest feeling in the world, it's impossible not to be scared but I think being able to carry it makes us the strongest in the end."

"You sound like an old man."

"Maybe I just am one."

"You've absolutely lost it."

"Partially your fault."

"Fair enough." We went silent for the longest moment, just staring in all kinds of directions. "Do you still want to skip and come over to my house?"

"Now more than ever, to be honest."

"Then let's go." He got up.

"Seriously?"

"Yes, now get up, and let's go!"

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This chapter took 7 deleted drafts to write. I kept trying to figure out what to put here and it kept going to shit. I even broke down a few times over it. It was bad and then it hit me at like 4 am after waking up abruptly because it was so hot in my room.

If you go back and read through this whole ass fic, you too realize that I love you is rarely ever said and it makes sense. Because love is the scariest feeling that most of the time you don't even want to admit to in fear of getting heartbroken.

It's a major theme in the fic if you analyze it. There are so many different types of love to explore and it's crazy that the one that brought you here was romantic love and you started caring just a bit more for brotherly love and even platonic love. I don't know it's just a thought. There are like 10 layers to this book that you could easily dissect.

That's just a little something extra as a sorry for taking so long to push out an update.