The New Guy

Frustrating Truths

Mattie's POV (a week later)

Lovi was back in school today as if nothing ever happened. The weight of what did happen still hung on our shoulders though. He looked happier yet more tired than before. He didn't look at me for most of the day. He didn't walk out with Tino and I when we went out to the field for band. He didn't walk with us to lunch. He was actively ignoring my existence.

At least I thought so. He sat with me during lunch. Tino disappeared from my side, probably going off with Berwald. Lovi sat in front of me, silent and looking strictly at his food. It was awkward so I spent my time looking around the cafeteria. Everyone chatting with friends.

I feel like I should be panicking about this. If this were one week ago, I probably would've broken down crying. But Gil helped me through the panic. I think the most comforting thing he said was that Lovi would tell me the truth eventually. The problem was that I didn't know when that would be. At least I can be sure that Lovi doesn't hate me because if he did he wouldn't be sitting here.

"It wasn't your fault, you know." I whipped my head to looked at him. I met his eyes and my stomach did a small anxious twist.

"There's always more than one reason for these things, right?" I said slowly, hesitant as if I were saying the wrong thing.

"Yeah." I saw the smallest twitch of a smile appear on him. It disappeared as quick as it appeared. "Sorry I made you think it was your fault."

"It's no one's fault, really. Don't go blaming yourself either."

"You're right." He sighed. "I do blame myself despite the fact that I shouldn't. My actions did play a part into it."

"Well, you were at low point so I can't blame you for that."

"You're right again, I was at a really low point. Doesn't change the fact that I was making some bad decisions." 

"They weren't that bad, actually. In a way, we all made some decisions that led you to it." 

"I seriously don't know how you put up with me."

"What do you mean?" 

"You're such a good friend."

"Really? I thought I was a shit friend because I kept ignoring you." 

"I thought I was the shit friend because I let my jealousy get the best of me."

"But I let that go." 

"And I still beat myself over it." He sighed again. "And I will for awhile, it's hard not to."

"You're strong, though. You'll push through it."

"Yeah, I can try." His eyes flicked down to the food he was picking at. "You know, while I was sitting there in the hospital, I was wondering what would have happened if I managed to do it. And I'm not entirely sure what would have happened but if heaven is actually real, I'd feel pretty damn guilty to end up there." He stopped picking at fruit on his tray and dropped the fork. "Being alive after that...it doesn't change most things. Depression is something I'm always going to live with, antidepressants or not. It's a monster that never goes away. But it does change how I look at everyone around me. From the vapid assholes to nerds to even you. I'm only close to a select few and it's measured in how much I know about them and how much they know about me." He eyes bore into me now. Trying to dig through my soul. "I thought I was close to you. I'm not. You're probably one of the more shallow friendships I have. And I realized that the way I loved you was out of desperation for an escape. I latched onto you like a leech and I saw it wearing you down but I was too selfish to stop. And for that, I'm sorry."

"I can't-"

"Just take the damn apology." The slight frustration in his rising voice scared me a bit. I didn't flinch though. I didn't want to for fear what it could mean to him. So, I tried my damnest not to break the wall I'm trying to be. "Quit trying to avoid the fucking problem, it's annoying. Are you ever going to realize that talking it out would cause it go away?" He must think I'm an idiot. I know I avoid the problem but I do talk about it whenever the other wants to talk about it. 

"I know that." I said sharply. "And you could have come to me at any time to talk to me about it. I wouldn't have minded. Why didn't I speak up? Because I thought you weren't ready to. I'm fucking patient enough to give you time. I still am."

"Which is why I don't deserve you as a friend."

"So what if you don't? I'm still your friend and I want to be."

"I fucking hate you." 

"No, you don't." 

"I know that." He was completely pissed at this point and bled into his voice. "But I like to think that hating you would make losing easier."

"Losing?" He completely threw me off guard with that.

"I lost to that nuisance."

"You were fighting for me like it was some game?"

"I already told you that." His words sounded more like a grown. He shook as if he was trying contain himself. "God, why did I care so much about you?"

"Probably because you've known me for so long."

"Sometimes I wish I didn't but that wouldn't even make much of a difference, we don't know shit about each other."

"But that's how we work."

"Unfortunately so."

"What do you mean?"

"What I mean is that it's a shallow friendship like I said before and it's because of you and you're fucking issues that it won't and can't go any further."

"You don't know shit."

"And neither do you. That's the problem."

"Then be patient with me as I've been with you. Be the one other person I can rely on."

"One other?" He raised a brow, lowering his guard as his shoulders relaxed. 

"Don't." It was my turn to sigh. I too relaxed myself. "Look, if you don't want me to be your shoulder to cry on, there are others you have to go to. Make me unimportant to your life if you because I deserve it."

"No, you don't."

"Then you wouldn't have been in the hospital." I seemed to have stunned him with that. "That was the first thing you fucking told me when I got there. You clearly think it was my fault and put the blame on me all you want because deep down you know I deserve it." 

"What does that help, hm? My poor little feelings? If you think it will, it won't. Medication can't even fuckin' do that."

"Well, you said it yourself, hating me makes it easier."

"I'm making excuses just like you."

"That's all we both do."

"And either that we stop doing that or keeping and wearing each other down." 

"A logical fallacy."

"What?"

"It's an ultimatum, a purely illogical thing."

"So?"

"Why can't we just meet in the middle?" 

"Well, what do you suggest a good middle ground is?"

"I don't know, do you?"

"No."

"Then let's talk it out."