The New Guy

overthinking

Gil's POV

My locker shut with a slight echo. I may have slammed it instead of closed it like a normal person. I don't even know why I use my locker since I can just carry around my backpack everywhere. Guess it let's me waste time on days like this.

Sometimes I think my mood corresponds with the weather. It's a rainy day. I can hear it smacking against the roof because the ceiling is so thin on the third floor. On a day like this, I'm feeling heavy. It's almost like gravity decided to pull me down harder making me slower. Maybe it was like I was meant to be a raindrop. Falling from the sky and ultimately splattering on the ground only to be used for plant food or to have someone walk over or around me. The theory isn't very accurate some of the time, however. Sometimes when it was a rainy day like this, I have a great adventure.

Whether that was a flawed theory or I'm overthinking, I don't know. I do know that this could be so much worse. This is luxurious comparing to past things. Rain was polarizing even back then.

I guess it's just some mysterious force driving the things around my life. Which is probably more terrifying than it all being in my control. I don't know anything about anything so who am I to say such things. I do know that I feel like shit today. Which really isn't much of surprise. Not only is it raining but I've been thinking a lot about Lovino's attempt too. I shouldn't but I can't really help it. It brings back too many memories. 

It's these memories that make me question why I stayed back at ho-over there for so long. Not even Rod proved to be worth staying for so it was a real shit hole. This whole situation really reminded me of myself. I can imagine what he was feeling when he did it. That total feeling of despair and anger and loneliness. It's a heavy weight that will either crush you or have you tipping. The only way to really win is to keep holding it until the weight slowly lifts off.

Mental and emotional strength isn't the same as physical strength. And that's what makes it so hard. If something hurts, there isn't some simple solution on standby. You either take the pain and suck it up or you can be a crybaby. Except it really isn't so black and white. Sometimes we break down and others we're fine. It's like being in a wave pool and sometimes it feels like drowning in the waves. There are certainly solutions to the problem but even I forget they're there.

And that's the biggest problem. That ultimatum we give ourselves is the worst feeling imaginable. It's hopelessness in its darkest form. And it follows you no matter what. And here I stand, trying my best to run from it but it's come back and it's here to stay. All the things I don't want to remember and think about are being forced into my brain.

Here I thought everything was going to be fine for now but isn't a damn fantasy land. This isn't a world of magic that can make all your problems go away with one spell. This is reality and I seemed to have forgotten that. I'm an idiot for allowing that.

"Hey, you okay?" I near slammed my head against the lockers when I heard the question. I frantically looked around to see who it was, only to find Matt on my right. "Shit, sorry if I scared you!" He brought up a hand to probably check my face in case of swelling or bruising. I quickly deflected it.

"I'm fine." I said as cheerfully as I could, really only elongating the words and sounding like I just screamed for an hour straight.

"You don't sound all that fine."

"Well, I didn't expect you to come up to me like that." I cleared my throat trying to get that raspy sound out. "If I weren't as great as I am, I would've screamed." My voice sounded much clearer now. "And that just would've been a devastating blow to our mission of trying not to exist." The bell rang loud and clear above us. Our eyes widening at the sound. "Especially now that the bell rang."

"We're fine." Matt lightly chuckled.

"I'm sorry but my math teacher would say otherwise."

"Have you ever been late to math?"

"No."

"Then how do you know what your teacher would tell you if you were?" I frowned at him while he carried a cheeky smirk.

"I'm too tired for this." I sighed. "Shouldn't you be on the other side of the building?"

"Well, yeah, but..." The rest of what he said was incoherent.

"What?"

He sighed, "I really don't want to be in school right now."

"Neither do I, honestly." 

"Then let's skip."

"Or we can suck it up like good students."

"Would it really affect us all that much if it's a one time thing?"

"No but I value education."

"Like you're even going to pay attention." He grew a sour frown which looked much more like an adorable pout than anything else. It was a pout I couldn't really resist.

"If you really want to skip, then we'll skip." I saw his pout twist into a hopeful little smile. "But only for one period."

"Where to?" He followed me as I started our journey. He didn't even hesitate which really goes to show how desperate he was to get out of class. I can understand that. When emotional, no one wants to be in school.

"The library, of course." I answered his question.

"You go there a lot."

"It's practically my second house." I joked. "Can't help that I love reading."

Matt chuckled, "Nerd."

"Yeah Mr. Spiderman-underwear."

"Nice one Mr.Harry-Potter-ritual."

"Hey, don't insult my ritual, it's very important to me.".

"Mhm."

"Don't sass me!"

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F o r g I v em e for the late update, I know what I'm doing now tho so expect more updates
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