The New Guy

Panic

Matthew's POV

You know, in all the time I've known him, I've noticed that Lovi has this weird fetish where he dresses up as himself and acts like a bitch all the time. It's wild, I know.

Yes, I'm mad. What happened last night has really sunk in and I'm pissed about it. I mean, at the time it wasn't too bad, fun actually. However, the reasons for why it happened are the problem.

"You really are pissed, huh?" He said when we finally got to the small office of the library. I closed the door, my back to him.

"More mildly disappointed with myself."

"Why yourself?"

"Because." I turned around and leaned on the door with my arms crossed.

"No explanation?"

"Not yet."

"Why not?"

"Because I have a question."

"What?"

"Were you being absolutely honest last night?"

"I was, why wouldn't I be?"

"Well, this makes things awkward." He raised a brow. "I can't give you what you want, you know." My chest tightened and I was starting to squeeze my arm. I was getting nervous and I knew that but I couldn't stop myself. I put myself in this situation.

"I figured." He rolled his eyes looking annoyed.

"W-what?"

"I'm not stupid, Matt." He shook his head. "It was worth a try but I knew I was ultimately going to lose. Hell, what happened literally a few minutes ago only solidified it."

"Oh."

"So, I'll go and get out of your life if you want." Why would he think that I would want him out my life? I just wanted him to forget what happened so we can be friends like before.

"Wha-no-no!" I was sputtering nonsense. I dropped my arms and pushed myself off the door. "You don't have to get out my life or anything. You're basically my best friend!"

"Am I really?"

"Y-yeah!"

"Shit."

"W-h-hat?"

"Okay, okay, calm down." He hurriedly walked closer, gripping my shoulders softly. "Don't cry."

"I k-n-now I shouldn't but-" I took a large breath, my words coming out as a small sob instead. "I'm s-sor-ry."

"Breath, Matt." I shook my head. "Please, calm down, it's alright." I shook my head again.

"It's not." I wiped my face with my sleeves, trying to see clearly. The tears couldn't help coming though. It was a wasted try. All of this was, honestly. I could've let it be and things would go back to how they've been. "It hasn't been for awhile. I've been trying to act like it has been fine at all but the last couple of months have been hell! You've been so distant and I've been trying to be a good friend but it's eating me alive..." I wanted to scream and yell loud enough for the entire world to hear. My voice could only be so loud though. It only frustrated me more.

"Matt, breathe!" I did try to breathe. It came out stuttered and ugly. He probably couldn't even hear it. "Look at me." I can't. "Matt, look at me. Please, breathe." I don't want to. It'll all go back to being ruined, I know it. Nothing will change and he'll keep ignoring me. "Everything's alright." I shook my head faster than the other times before. It didn't help anything. Only made everything worse. My head was basically screaming at me with a painful headache. "Matt...please breathe." Maybe if I didn't I'd pass out long enough to avoid what's inevitable. Except that I don't want to avoid things. That's all I've done. In reality, I haven't done anything because I was being stupid.

I looked at him for a second, blinked hard trying to clear my eyes enough to see. I noticed he was trying really damn hard not to start balling right in front of me.  That's when it hit me.

The least bit I could do would be to calm down.

~

I walked around the rest of the day with a puffy and gross face. Which made me pretty mad at myself. I can't believe I had a panic attack. Rightfully so in some aspect but I really wish it didn't happen. It's embarrassing. Even more when it feels like people are looking at me weird over it. It was uncomfortable and anxiety inducing.

I near fell over when I heard a slam on the locker next to mine. Fortunately it turned out to be Al. He must have ran too fast.

"Matt!" He smiled that perfect smile. It was honestly scary. Luckily it lasted for a few seconds, replaced with a look of pure worry. "Tino told me you had a panic attack. That true?"

"Yeah, why?"

"I'm just worried about you."

"Okay?"

"So," He leaned on the lockers next to me. "Why did it happen?"

"Don't worry about it."

"Matt..."

"Al, it's my business."

"Fine." He groaned. "You wanna walk home together like old times?"

"Yeah." I wheezed. It came out more like a whine.

"Okay, I'll meet you at the front entrance." He pat my shoulder.

"Wait, don't you have football practice after school?"

"Not anymore."

"What?"

"I quit!" He nervously laughed.

"Why?"

"I'll tell you later."

"Al, what the hell?"

"Don't worry about it!" He ran off as the late bell rang. "See ya later!"

"Al!"