[ P i p e l i n e ]

[ 1 1 ] december 10 [ f a e ]

December 10.

Dear Raven,

I hope you’re not angry with me. I hope you’re not crying (which I know is nearly impossible, knowing what you are now). I’m really sorry for the pain I’m giving you right now. I guess I made the wrong move, but I just don’t want you to see me at my worst.

   I guess you’re wondering why I left you. I guess you’re wondering why I myself was the one who broke up with you, when I myself was the one who was afraid that YOU would be the one to break up with me soon; to replace me with somebody better than me.

   I’m sorry for giving you so much pain, but now I’m going to tell you the truth, no matter how hard it is to write right now; no matter how hard it is to tell you the truth, because I know you’ll cry… So please, as much as you can, please don’t cry.

   I’m telling this as carefully as I can. I don’t want to overwhelm you with the truth. I don’t know if Tala read this before she gave you this, but you know how Tala and I are—we’re like sisters. She’s the first ever person who’s not my pureblood relative to know the truth about me. I know she’ll never tell you the truth until now—when she gives you this letter. We trust each other as much as you and I trust each other.

   Tala has been coming to the hospital lately, but you don’t know that. All you know is that she’s hanging out with her friends or having a very private date with her boyfriend, or so she told me. But that’s not really the truth. I know how good Tala is at lying, especially when it’s a lie that’s very important to keep. I really appreciate her hard work in all of this. No matter how good Tala is at covering the truth, I know she doesn’t like doing it. It makes her uneasy.

   Tala has cried in front of me, actually. Once. But I told her not to worry. The doctors are doing everything they can to save me. Or rather, they’re doing everything they can to make my life longer, because that’s the only possible way.

   I’m sorry for keeping you the truth all these days. I’m sorry for making you suffer the pain of our break-up. I’m sorry for saying too many “sorry’s” that it’s probably annoying you right now, but I’m really sorry, because that’s the only way I can apologize to you. I don’t want you to see me weak, to see me so thin unlike you’ve ever seen me before—the happy, cheerful, energetic Fae you’ve always seen me ever since you met me. The one who’s always annoyed whenever you’re having a bad day because whenever you have one, your bad attitude shows.

   I’m going to tell you the truth, okay? I’m going to tell you the truth… And please don’t cry once I tell you this, and please don’t blame yourself. You have no fault in this. It is only mine, and mine only.

   I have stage four cancer.

   By the time you read this, my hair is probably already gone. By the time you read this, I’m already very thin. By the time you read this, tubes are already inserted inside me to help me in every way they can. By the time you read this, I’m already in my weak point.

   I’m sorry.

   And I hope you can forgive me. It’s my fault for not telling you this earlier. It’s my fault, because if I did tell you earlier, you would have made the last days of our relationship worthwhile, but I don’t want that. I don’t want you to do everything you can to make the last few days memorable, because that’ll mean you know, and that’ll mean I’ll remember that I have cancer. That’s one of the things I love about you, Raven: you always make me forget all the sad things. You always do.

   And I love you for that.

   I’m sorry. Please don’t be angry with me, with yourself, or with anyone. It’s nobody’s fault but mine.

   Please don’t waste the rest of your life full of depression just because of me.

   And that’s the important thing I wanted to tell you in this letter: Please be happy.

   Find someone else that can continue to make you happy. Find someone else that’s probably just like me, or better, maybe even prettier. Please find someone that can make your life worthwhile, like I—I hope—did with yours. But one more thing: if you do, please don’t forget about me.

   Have a happy family, with kids, grandkids, and a wife that will love you forever until the end just like I would with you, if I ever didn’t have this stupid disease.

   But please, don’t forget about me.

   I love you, Raven. You’re the only person I’ve loved like this, and I hope you love me as much as I love you. If the afterlife is as happy as the people say, I promise to watch you from above, and even right beside you, after I’m gone.

   I’m sorry.

   I love you, Raven, and I’ll love you forever and ever and ever.

   Please don’t go where I am, if you ever know.

   But if you know where my funeral will be, as much as this weirdly sounds, please write a eulogy for me.

   And Tala, if you ever read this too, please don’t tell Raven where I am.

   With all my heart,

   Fae.