Unexpected

Chapter 34.

You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened... or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on.

That is what I'm doing. I'm at home trying the hardest I can manage to finish my school work for today.

I had to make some breaks to lay down and close my eyes, to take a deep breath and let some tears to wash my eyes but then I would stand up and keep going.

After what happened today I need to forget Albert. I can't believe that this ended even before it really started. I still had so much to give. I still wanted to hug him when he was crying, I wanted to kiss him, to tell him I loved him, to make deserts with him. I wanted to give a piece of me I know I couldn't get back. But I guess it just wasn't meant to be. So I'm moving up. Trying to keep living I guess.

Sophia called me because I simply disappeared after that horrible talk with Albert on the hallway. I called my mum to come to pick me up and then I went home and took a hot shower.

I'm laying between the covers and comfy duvets while reading. It's snowing outside and somehow I feel safe alone in my room. I'm taking care of myself and I should be proud of it.

Even if my chest is hurting like a horrible beating and I miss him at the bottom of the hole on my chest, I'm the one who is living with the pain, who is carrying food on a fork to my mouth, who is dressing me and making me do things; I'm making to keep on living even hard as it is. I'm the one who is carrying myself and taking care of me like no one can even if they try.

And being able to take care of my own soul, to bandage that large wound so I don't have to look at it or open it again, that's the most important thing in the universe. Even if it's the only physical thing I have left from him.

Having the courage to fix myself while the pain is trying to bleed me dry, that's the most valuable thing and I think I should be proud of myself, proud that I can look at my chest and watching it go up and down, somehow even with the pain inside of me, I found a way to keep on living. I should hold on to that. Not to what I lost on the process of letting go, him and my heart. But to what I held on to while I were trying to move forward.

I just wish that at the end of the day I could be able to say that he did fight to keep me even if I chose to step out. I wish he could have held me when I turned my back.

I think that what hurts me the most is that even if I don't have a choice I would still choose him.