I stared at the ceiling as if it were an interesting piece of artwork that only I could see. It was three o'clock in the morning again and my nightmares became more and more graphic. I remember the way his blood stained the shower curtain. I remember how peaceful he looked that day, as if he finally found a place to be happy. I remember his cold lifeless eyes and the pale color of his skin even whiter than normal. I remember walking into the bathroom to find my best friend killed himself, he'd written a note in five languages knowing only I could understand. I sat alone in my room, I felt the darkness closing in and the peace draining out of my body. I missed him so goddamn much, no one will ever be able to fill that gap. Closing my eyes and putting my headphones in, I hit shuffle on my phone when his favorite song started to play. Late dawns and early sunsets, just like my favorite scenes. Then holding hands and life was perfect, just like up on the screen. And the whole time while always giving, Counting your face among the living....
Tears flooded my eyes as the pain of living got to me again. I wanted him back, I needed him back. How could this happen? I was there in that same house and I never knew until it was too late. It was my fault. Everything is my fault. Nothing can comfort me right now, I've just died. If god exists and really loved me how could he let this happen?? I picked up the razor from my nightstand and pressed it against my soft flesh. I continued to cut deeper and deeper into my skin, the more I thought about him, the angrier I became. I was about to take one more swipe when Gerard's voice became the only thing I could hear. But dose anyone notice? But does anyone care? And if I had the guts, to put this to your head.... I stopped everything and dropped the blood stained blade. No on will ever notice how broken I am. No one will ever care how I feel, how his death destroyed me. I couldn't listen to this song, it hurt too much. And in saying you loved me, made things harder at best, and these words changing nothing, as your body remains, there's no room in this hell, there's no room in the next.... I couldn't do anything. That verse paralyzed me. He made everything harder on me. I kept having flashbacks of that tragic morning, remembering all the little details. It's not fair! I was supposed to go first! He had a life! He was supposed to grow old and get married and have kids! God took him from me! Why did god take him?! I cried harder and deeper then I ever had before, all I ever wanted was my best friend back! And would anything matter, if your already dead? And now should I be shocked by the last thing you said?... Gerard's voice was full of pain, it sounded like my heart felt. It sounded miserable and wounded. Why was this so hard? Why can't I have him back? Why does it have to hurt so much? And there's no room in this hell, there's no room in the next..... Everything felt like hell without him. I broke down crying again, kicking myself and hating myself for not knowing. How could I be so blind? All the sings were in front of me. I should've known. I should've been there, maybe if I found just an hour earlier he'd still be with me. He'd still cuddle me. He'd still make me happy and listen to music with me. Who am I kidding? I'm sitting on my bed thinking of something I could never have done. He was a stubborn boy, whether I like it or not he would have died either way. I curled up in a ball on the corner of my bed, Gerard's voice echoing through my head.
....But does anyone notice there's a corpse in this bed?
