The List || h.s au

not so chapter 4

I walk in my kitchen, still holding the piece of paper in my hand. I look through the drawers and I finally found what I was looking for. I then open the cabinet under the sink and take out our garbage can, bringing it with me back in the living room. I push the coffee table away and sit on the couch, placing the garbage can in front of me.

I hold Karls's List right over the blue can and open the lighter I found earlier. I slowly approach the flame to the white paper. The fire slowly consumes the paper, pieces by pieces, and I see two years of waist disappear into a thick, black powder. 

I stare at the remaining of our List inside the garbage can while the white smoke slightly burns my eyes, and I blink to make the uncomfortable feeling go away. A small tear escapes my eye and falls down, right on the small pile of ashes.

I suddenly felt free. Almost like this stupid list was a cage where I've been locked in during two years without realizing how suffocating it was. A large burden has been taken off my shoulders by burning it and I feel accomplished. For once, I am doing something right with my life. 

It's funny how we thought being popular and going to parties would make our college life better. It was at the beginning, but when your life always revolves around it, it becomes boring. Like a routine. But you can't get out of that vicious circle because there's always going to be someone here to judge. And we all know that today's society's biggest fear, yet biggest used tactic to protect ourselves, is to judge. 

We judge without trying to learn the truth behind things. We base our thoughts on our perceptions, not even trying to go further. But the worst is, it affects everyone. No one is safe from the judging eye. It's conscious yet unconscious. Sometimes, we don't even realize we do. It became natural for us, almost as important as eating and breathing basically. We live for judging.

But it hurts. It hurts a lot. Many people think that because I am popular, I don't care what the people think of me. It couldn't be more false. I live every second of my life based on what would people think of me. Obviously, I want positive thoughts, that's what makes it harder. I always have to look like I'm perfect. Not only physically but socially, mentally, etc. You're like a model, an icon. And when people refer to you, you want them to say "Oh yeah, she's pretty cool!" or "That girl is really bright, but also quite funny!" . 

But we don't do that. All we do is label people all the freaking damn time. We don't even try to know them! If I want to be popular, it's because I did something great. I want recognition for the work I did, for the effort I made. Not because my dad owns 100 hotels. 

There's only a total of three people I really consider my real friends, who'd stay with me even if I didn't have all this. Sadly, now I lost someone and it's Carla. And I don't want that to happen with Liam or Luke. They are the ones keeping me stable and strong. 

I might look like a strong person, intimidating even. But I'm nothing without the people I love and care about.

A knock on my door pulls me out of my thoughts. I stare at the door, unsure if I should open or not. What if it is Carla? The possibility would be thin, but it still could happen. It's also her flat after all.

I decide to open it. If it's Carla, then I'll tell her we'll have to talk. I'll have to deal with whoever is behind that door, I just hope it's not a certain curly guy.

To my surprise, it's Amanda. I try to smile but I know I failed miserably when I notice the worried look on her face.

"Kim, have you been crying? And what's that smell coming out of your flat?"

What I needed right now was a shoulder to cry on. No close friend was here for me, but life brought me someone else. And if life thought that Amanda was going to help me, I'm going to trust it.