I like him

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I'm an idiot.

I'm the most stupid, idiotic and incoherent person in the world.

I'm a fucked up girl, way too controlled by her hormones.

But I also like Harry. More than a friend would like another friend.

How did I find out about my growing feelings towards him? The explosion of weird sensations I had in my stomach the moment our lips met, much more known as butterflies, and the way the contact of his lips left burning feeling on mine can easily answer that question.

I've kissed him plenty of times, but it never felt like this one. It wasn't that deep of a kiss, I just pressed my lips on his and then BOOM;

Fire burning inside of me, adrenaline, butterflies, mind running a thousand miles/second, etc, etc, etc.

The worst is: I actually liked it, a lot. And the fact that I have ...feelings...(it even sounds weird to say, I'm not used to it) for him can explain my constant annoyance when I see girls near him. I'm not jealous, I just feel a little uneasy when someone has an interest on him.

If the old me was hearing me talk right now, she'd slap the shit out my face. What the fuck is wrong with me? I don't know. It just kind of happened and unfortunately, it doesn't want to leave.

But what do I do now? How is he going to interpret that kiss? I ran away as soon as I unwrapped my arms from his neck and went in the girls bathrooms, where I've been sitting on a toilet for the past twenty minutes. The face he displayed after the kiss is still fresh in mind. The way he smiled, the way his eyes were shinning in the dim light...

I can't let this happen. I can't let myself fall for him, I don't want to end up broken. But it just feels so right. Every time he holds me in his arms, I feel so good. Like I was meant to be there. It kind of made realize that I needed a male presence in my life. Not Liam or Luke's kind of male presence, but one that would make me feel special.

One that would make me feel like I meant the world to him, that without me he'd be nothing. One that would remind me everyday how much he loves me, one that would treat me right and would let me be myself with him. One that would comfort me when the times are rough and would know and understand me.

But that kind of boy only exist in books and movies.

Still, I can't deny the fact that I actually like him. Does he like me that way too? I don't want to know.

No, I want to.

No no no, I don't.

Fuck it, I want know.

I stand up from my toilet seat and get out of the restrooms. I go back to the stadium and sit next to a panting Jessica.

"Where were you?" She asks, her eyes not leaving the field. I try to find who she's staring at and realize it is Harry.

"Back stage. With Harry." I say in a rather harsh tone to make her feel uncomfortable. I see her fake an understanding smile and she directs her gaze on someone else.

"What did I miss?" I stare at the field and see the group of boys split in two teams. Each one waits on its side of the field while the Luke places the ball in the middle. He then blows in his orange whistle and the two groups immediately run over to the ball.

"Well they did some passes and kicked balls in the net. Now they are playing a small match so Luke, Bruce and the coach can decide who's going to be part of the team." She tells me and I nod, playing with my hair.

Should I go talk to him after this? What would I say to him? Do I tell him about what I feel? I'm so not used to these kinds of thoughts, and I don't know what to do. I'd really like some advice from people but I don't want the whole university to know about it. I'd ask Liam, but he's a boy and wouldn't really understand my situation since he doesn't know about the List. 

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