91 Days Of Missing Your Name

Day 16

I put on a plain black tee and some jeans, not even bothering to make myself the slightest bit presentable.

Liam's car pulled up as I walked outside and got in.

I didn't even lock the door because no one can take away anything from me, I've already lost my whole world.

"Excited for this therapy?"

"No." I mumbled slumping down into the seat.

He frowned as we sped off down the road. Fans started to notice the familiar faces driving down the street as they started screaming and whipping out their phones.

Don't get me wrong Lou, you and I always loved the fans. It's just times like this when I wish they weren't so nosey.

When we finally reached the old office Liam said he'd be waiting for me out in the car when I was done.

So I got out and went inside at the therapist was already expecting me.

"Come on in and take a seat."

"Now tell me, what seems to be upsetting you."

I shrugged before saying,"Maybe the small fact my best friend is dead."

"Tell me Mr.Styles how does that feel? On a level 1-10 how do you feel the pain?"

"10." I was quick to answer. He jotted down a few notes as I shifted a little in my chair. I was more uncomfortable than ever. I was hating this already and I still had a good hour left.

"Harry what word would you use to describe what you miss most between the two of you?" I thought for a minute before deciding for the obvious answer.

"Love." I whisper. It takes him by surprise but he acknowledges it anyway.

"Harry are you gay? Was Louis gay?"

"Now let me clarify a few things here Doctor. I love Lou, I always had and I always will. The thing is he had a girlfriend. He had this ongoing love for me, he just never said anything because he was too shy. It is so hard to know we could've had something. And now we will never have the chance." I snap back at him before watching him write some more notes.

"How do you know he loved you back?" I sat there for a couple minutes pondering on how I could answer.

If I told him about the note, he would ask to see it. That is only to be between me and Lou. I didn't want his eyes to read the simple old words that meant the world to me. I wasn't planning on ever telling him about the note. I didn't want anyone to see it really, it's meant to be kept as a secret between us.

"I just do." I finally say.

"You seem a little tense," he notes as I look down at my hands.

"Because that it was we want to stray from, you can go for the day." He closes his binder as I practically jump from my chair.

"Uhm, thanks." I say as I leave the room and walk out towards the front door.

"Don't forget! 2 days! Same time and place!" He shouts from behind me as I walk into the parking lot to Liam's car.

I swing open the door as I jump into the passenger seat. He turns off his phone before facing me. "Hey how'd it go?" He asks far too much excited.

"Torture. Absolute torture."

"It'll only get better Harry." He sighs.

"No Liam. I hate every second of this. This hell of a life I'm living. I just wanna get out of here sometimes."

"Get out of where?" He questions.

"Here! I meant, goddamnit I meant my life. Sometimes I just don't want to be here anymore Liam. It's lonely around." I slump down before looking out the window.

It's silent for what seems like an eternity before I snap at him. "You can start the car you know."

He starts the engine and pulls out of the building.

I can't even say that was a lie. I really did want to escape from everything.

The torture that came from therapy wasn't even close to the torture that came from being without Louis.