91 Days Of Missing Your Name

Day 23

"Harry? Harry are you awake?" Liam is waving his hand in my face as my eyes flutter open. He lets out a sigh of relief and smiles.

"Hey Harry we missed you!" He says a little louder before laughing. I look around the room before realizing i'n in a hospital. Again.

"Where's Lou?" I ask. Liam frowns before setting his hand on my lap.

"He's not here Harry. You don't forget do you?" He looks frazzled as I look up at the ceiling.

It was fake. Louis was never there. It was just my imagination the whole time. I curse under my breath as I realize how much my mind messed with me. Lou was standing right there! I know he was!

I begin to cry out of frustration as Liam goes to get the other boys. Why has my life become this? This never ending cycle of disappointment. Louis will never come back. He's dead and gone forever and I can't change that.

"Aw c'mon Harry cheer up!" Zayn says as he walks in the room. I can't stop crying though.

Crying is the only thing I can do right.

"Louis wasn't - he wasn't even there. I - I thought he was behind the interviewer. He smiled! He opened his eyes! He's here I know it!" I explain as worry overlooks their faces.

"You were hallucinating..those lights were big and bright. No wonder you thought he was there." Niall says. 

"Yeah, scary things those lights were! I thought I saw Perrie there too." Zayn pleads as the other boys chuckle.

But it's not funny. He was there, I could feel him. I could feel his heartbeat. I could see his eyes and his lips and his teeth. I could make out every perfection on his body. But it was a hallucination. Lou hasn't been here for 3 long weeks. He's been in my mind, and my heart.

But he's still under the dirt in that old oak casket. That small headstone the only thing I can picture him by. His voice only heard in recordings. And it's just not fair.

"Can I see someone's phone?" The boys stop laughing as Liam hands me his iphone.

I slide the screen over and stumble across youtube. I type in the small search bar, Louis Tomlinson's best moments. A video pops up with over 15 million views as i click on it.

The boys watch me turn it up full blast as I hear his voice.

"Mary? She's mine!"

"Harry's the cheeky one."

I watch and hear Louis go across the screen in so many different videos. Until the last 30 seconds of the video, I reach a clip I had never seen. I watched carefully as I recognize Louis. It looks recently. He's wearing one of my favorite beanies and a dark grey sweater. He looks like he's crying as the video is shown on the top half of his body.

"Hey Harry! Just wanted to tell you a massive thank you. Everything we've been through these past 3 years has been incredible. I couldn't have asked any more form you. I literally love you with every ounce of blood in my body. Can I tell you what I look forward to seeing every morning? Your bright smile. Your thick accent and perfect curls. And when I go to bed at night I could only dream that you're thinking of me. Out of all the things that has happened in my life I can say two things have impacted me the most. Number one, Getting to be in One Direction with my 4 crazy brothers. But as for number two, it would be meeting you, my love. You've given me everything I've needed. I love you and i'll see you soon!"

The video ends as I drop the phone. The boys' jaws all drop in reaction of the unseen video. I check the date. A day before he commited.

I start bawling again at the thought of Lou thinking about me in the final 12 hours of his life. Louis loved me so much. I love him just the same.

I have permission to go home but i'm not ready. Because I know behind that door Louis will still not be home.