91 Days Of Missing Your Name

Day 30

"Just like old times again." Liam says as he smiles.

Niall begins to strum random notes on his guitar as Zayn walks in with some popcorn.

We were all laying around my old cabin for the day. It was the same one we were in when we spent the first week together as a band.

I sat cross legged in lounge pants and a loose grey shirt. We were crowded around the television watching nonsense movies and shows.

"Harry this is great." Niall says as he hums a tune and matches it on the guitar. "Yeah," I say, my voice low.

"It's nice." I finish.

"Thanks for coming last night." Zayn states before munching again on a handful of his snack.

"No problem. It was nice to just take a step back and see all of our lovely fans for once. You guys smashed it."

"The best song we did was half a heart." Liam interrupts.

"Why?" I ask.

"Because you were in it. You were singing. And it was amazing." Liam says before clapping.

"Yeah, thanks." I laugh before Zayn lunges for the remote.

"My favorite movie is on!" Zayn clicks through the channels as fast as he can before the hangover appears on screen.

"Seen the hangover?" Liam starts.

"Funnier than that!" Niall states in the same tone he was speaking in during the best song ever music video.

We all burst into laughter as I look at Niall. "I need that beard back. Real bad." He cracks up laughing as I smirk.

"Yeah you and Lou had those amazing costumes and.." I stopped short at the thought of Louis in the filming of our music video. You're not here anymore. I'll never see that the same again.

"Oh yeah that was great." Zayn finishes as a cover up.

I fake smile as I get up and head down the hallway. Everything goes so good then I think of Lou again.

I go into the kitchen and begin to make two cups of Yorkshire tea. Even though you won't be able to drink it, I hope the thought counts.

I hear Niall singing moments from the living room as he's strumming the notes on his guitar. I begin to hear it closer as he comes into the kitchen.

"If I'm louder, would you see me? Would you lay down in my arms are rescue me?"

I look at him and harmonize,"Cause we are, the same. You saved me, when you leave it's gone again."

"And as I walk up to your door. My head turns to face the floor," Niall smiles and gestures for me to finish.

"Cause I can't look you in the eyes and say.." I whisper as he sets his guitar down and jumps on the counter. He folds his hands in his lap and looks up at me.

"Harry I know it's hard."

"Yeah. Everything reminds me of him."

"I'm sorry mate. Your whole life is just this endless cycle of bad thoughts isn't it."

"Basically. Basically." I sigh as I pop in the second cup.

"You wouldn't uh- you wouldn't consider overdosing again would you?" He asks quietly.

"Killing myself? Um no hopefully not."

"I almost did." He rushes as I look at him.

"What?"

"I wanted to. I was standing right next to the window ready to jump."

"Oh." I mumble.

"I um- well I stayed because of you." He admits. His eyes are now watering and he won't make eye contact.

"Why me?"

"Because you need someone here for you. And I thought there's no way I could leave you."

"Well I'm fine." I say before stiffening up. The kitchen tile grows colder as the room gets darker.

"Okay well you aren't actually." He says.

"Yeah I am."

"Where are you going?" He asks as I walk out of the room.

"I'm taking a nap. I'm tired." He sighs as I close the door to the back bedroom.

Always tired. Always done. The slightest things have me so worked up now. This was supposed to be a nice relaxed day. Everything goes as planned until I just always break down in the end.

My eyes start filling with tears as I take a deep breath. "Nothing will ever be the same." I whisper as I fall into a deep sleep.

-

"Harry!" Lou says with excitement as he runs into my arms.

"Oh my god I've missed you so much." I gasp as my hand runs through his curly hair. His familiar smell of hard mint and sweet spring weather is identified quickly.

"Listen," he says before backing out of the hug but still holding onto my arms tightly.

"I want you here with me dearly."

"So I'll come! I'll go!" I interject.

"That's the thing Harry, I fucking love you more than anything. You know that. But I want you to stay. I need you too."

"Lou-I-"

"No Harry please please stay there okay. You can keep going. I know you can."

"No I can't.."

"Harry listen to yourself! I believe in you. I love you more than anything and I don't want you to die. I want you to stay and live and be happy. It'll be okay I promise."

"I wish you were still here.." I say as tears start to fall down my face.

"Listen baby I only have a few more minutes I need you to listen to me." He cries as he cups my face in his hands. We're both trembling and cold.

"Stay there. The boys need you. They need you more than anything. I'll always be here once you arrive. I won't disappear. I'll wait for you. Harry I love you. Please please just stay."

"Lou I love you I love you."

"I'll be here when you reach me Harry."

"Please don't say goodbye please,"

"I'll see you soon. I love you. Please keep fighting."

"For you. Only for you." I cry as he disappears.

-

Suddenly my eyes fly open as my chest is pounding fast. I'm sweating badly and my eyes and full of tears. Lou wasn't here. It was a dream.

But for you, I'll keep fighting because I know you were really there. I love you Louis.