91 Days Of Missing Your Name

Day 4

Your mother insisted on having the funereal today. I knew I had to go. You should be the slightest bit proud of me. It took everything from inside of me to get out of that bed and dress into my nice dress suit.

I didn't have enough energy to take a shower yet. I also didn't eat. I was deciding which shoes to wear when I stumbled across your old red Toms.

My knees were growing weak as I bent down to pick them up. Even though I knew your size by heart I checked the inside anyway before slipping them on.

I needed a piece of you to come with me. I couldn't go out there alone. As I was slipping my left foot in I felt my cold toes hit something.

When I took off the shoe and tipped it upside down a note slid out of it.

I ended up bawling and getting my tears all over the letter.

You killed yourself. And I'm the only person that will ever know why.

There was suddenly a hole growing in my chest as I set the note on my pillow and slipped out of our flat.

When I arrived everyone tried to put on a smile for me. I tried to smile back, but I kept thinking back to the letter.

After a long decision they chose upon a open casket. I almost wish they hadn't, but I'm so glad they did.

Your lovely mother insisted I go see you first before anyone else could. I can't even explain the things I felt then. I chose to embrace her tightly before going into the large room.

I'm not going to lie, I sprinted to the large black box that you laid in. When I saw your cold lifeless body I tried so hard not to break down.

I gently touched your hands as they changed to the temperature of mine. I leaned down and kissed your forehead before I began to bawl.

I saw your eyes closed shut. It hit me that they'd never open again. I'd never be able to see those glowing blue eyes ever again.

I also saw your dark grey lips and noticed that I'd never hear you say my name again. I'd never hear anything from that mouth.

I closed my eyes and imagined my life without you. I saw nothing.

I began to silently speak to you in the little time I had.

"Louis I wish you didn't have to leave me like this. I- I love you more than you would ever be able to know. I'll miss you more and more every single day. Please do not forget me, I'll be there with you soon. I love you Louis."

I couldn't say anything more so I kissed your forehead once more before I brought my shaky hands to my sides. As I began to walk out of the room I fell to my knees sobbing.

Louis why did you have to go so soon.