91 Days Of Missing Your Name

Day 26

I'm driving all alone a few minutes away from home. Or at least my old home. I'm stressing out too much about this visiting. I'm scared to see the reaction of my family. I don't want them to see me actually but I have no choice.

I know you Louis would be so proud of me right now.

As I pulled into the driveway my mum runs outside to greet me at my door. As I turn off the engine and open the door she's already got me tight in her arms.

"Oh- Oh Harry I missed you so much." Her arms are trembling as I can tell she's crying into my shoulder.

"Hi mum." I mumble. She doesn't let go of me though. She holds on for what seems like forever until Gemma yells out the front door.

"Mum c'mon we want to see him too!"

My mum laughs as she backs away and holds my chin in her hands. She looks me dead in the eyes and smiles. "I love you my dear."

"You too mum." I say as I grab my bag and follow her inside.

Gemma is waiting in the living room as she runs up to me and messes up my hair. "God Gemma you couldn't give it one second before you screwed it up?" I joke as she laughs.

"Still the same ole curly haired guy I know and love." She smiles before she glances up and down at my body.

Her smile fades as she starts to walk away. I wonder what she thinks. I wonder what she knows. I don't want to have to be the one to tell my sister that I'm actually having a terrible time despite anything they think of my arrival.

We all sit at the table and talk nonsense for awhile as we wait for the other relatives to show. I can tell my mum doesn't want to speak a word about Louis. I hope she didn't see the interview. I hope she doesn't know any of it.

Once my mum's friend arrives Gemma pulls me aside into my old room. She closes the door behind her carefully before breaking down crying.

I don't know what to say so I don't speak at all. Then she looks up at me with heartfelt eyes. "Why would you not eat?"

"I had no choice. I couldn't." I say.

"Yes you did! Harold why would you even lie about that!?"

"I'm not lying! Gemma I literally could not eat! Do you even realize how sad it's been at home?"

"Yeah but you never sounded it to be that bad! You never even mentioned him to me and mum once!" We're both yelling over the tears now.

"Because I didn't want to talk about him! He's literally haunting my thoughts every second of every day! It ruined my life! I haven't stopped crying. Everything has been horrible." I sit back on my bed and cover my face in my hands. I'm crying so hard. It's frustrating how no one understands it like I do. Nobody can be able to feel anything close to this.

She doesn't say anything for a long time. Neither of us are planning on speaking either. Then the question strikes me that I had thought about earlier.

I try to wipe off the tears as I look up at her. "Did you happen to watch that interview?" I question softly.

"No. We haven't looked at anything. No websites, no articles, no anything."

"I- I can pull it up."

"Why don't you just tell me what's so important?" She asks.

I walk over to the computer and find it quickly on YouTube. I back away and start for the door. Just before I disappear into the hall I respond,"Because I don't have the guts to tell you myself." I mumble referring to my overdose.

I go out to the living room where more people await. People talk nonsense as I sit down on the couch. A few people ask me how I am and as usual I say fine. Then suddenly I hear the most unpleasant voice in my whole life talking from behind me.

"Oh Louis, I miss him so much. Life is terrible without him around."

"Bullshit!" I snap and turn around to see Eleanor talking to someone behind me.

"Excuse me?"

"I said bullshit! What-What the hell are you doing here?" I yell as I begin to stand up.

My legs grow weak and my hands start shaking. I don't want to speak to her, I don't want to see her. Why would she even be here?

"Harry oh Harry. Your sweet mum invited me. She knows how hard it has been. She knows how much pain I'm going through. Life sucks so bad without Louis here. And all you ever did was try to take him away from me. You wanted him to yourself. You don't know him half as well as I do. You're ridiculous. Every little thing I said before was true. You are probably the reason he's not here. You ruined our relationship. We could've been perfect, but no. Listen Harry, your life is not nearly as hard as mine." She says as I begin to walk around the room.

I'm rubbing the back of my neck with my hands. I'm sweating and crying at the same time. I can't decide if I'm mad or sad or both. It's frustrating because she doesn't understand. Eleanor doesn't know a single fucking thing. The room falls silent in wait for my reply. Everyone in the room is waiting for me.

"You win Eleanor. If that's what you wanted then, you win! You're totally right life is not hard for me. It's impossible. It's torture. It's - It's like my worst nightmare has come true. People like you are the reason I wish I weren't here. I cry and cry and cry endlessly. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I literally cannot do anything anymore. You say your life is miserable? No Eleanor! No! I fucking took an overdose because this life is so immensely hard for me! Whatever Eleanor. You don't know how much bullshit you feed everyone and how fucking horrible you make me feel." I say.

The hot tears became to stream down my face as I paced back and forth before leaving the room. I left everyone with dropped jaws.

I slumped down against the wall in the hall and began to sob into my knees. I wish you were still here, Lou. I need you. I can't live this way. I can't love anyone like I love you. I can't feel anything but pain anymore.

Suddenly Gemma comes and sits next to me. She doesn't say anything, she just watches me cry. "I had no idea Harry."

"I didn't want you to know. But you're the only one here." I mumble.

She hugs me tightly before letting go and staring me in the eyes. "Don't cry please."

"I can't."

"Don't die please. Please." I stay silent as she rests her hand on my knee.

"Eleanor she showed up her and slammed shit in my face." I say as I wipe the tears off my cheeks.

"Well fuck her." She smiles before she helps me off the ground.

"Get some rest. You need it." Gemma states. I nod and begin to walk to my room. I jump onto my bed and instantly close my eyes to keep the tears back.

I didn't deserve that. I didn't deserve Eleanor to say that shit to me. I didn't deserve losing you. I want you here with me Lou. And that's all I could possibly need.