91 Days Of Missing Your Name

Day 33

"Alright, are you sure you want to be alone?" Liam asks as he parks on the street in front of our flat.

"Yeah if I call you will you answer?"

"Of Course I will. Take care of yourself Harry." He smiles as I climb out of the car.

When he drives away I cannot help but notice the pain in his eyes when he says goodbye. I'm the cause for that pain. No more lying to myself.

When I open the door the scent of Louis hits me. I never realized our place smelled exactly like him. I bite my lip back hard in order to keep away the tears.

I lay my bag down on my bed and when I go to call Liam I notice flowers laying on the kitchen table. I slowly approach the beautiful red roses. I pick them up and look at the note connected to the stamp.

I slowly open the card to see lovely cursive written on the inside.

'Louis always said these were your favorite. I'm terribly sorry about Gemma. Yours truly, Eleanor.'

She came back while I was gone. She stepped in my house while I wasn't here.

I start panicking as I quickly dial Liam's number. I haven't even been here for more than five minutes and I'm already freaking out.

"Harry?"

"Eleanor came in my house! Eleanor was here!"

"Slow down Harry. How do you know that?" He asks.

"She left red roses and a card and she said Lou said those were my favorite. But how would they get in our flat? She still has the key! Liam what if she takes something one day?" I cry.

"I don't think she's a burglar,"

"No I mean what if she takes something of Lou's? What if she moves something of his? That's meant for only him when he comes back! That's his stuff Liam!" I raise my voice as my breath picks up. This is the most scared I've been in a while. I don't want her to take anything of his. I don't want to have to worry about her intruding our flat.

"Do you want me to call her?" He asks.

"If it's not too much trouble please." I say.

"Okay Harry, I'll be back stay right there." Liam hangs up and I throw the phone on the ground.

How could she? I don't know why it hurts me so much. I was supposed to be the only one with him, even when he's not here. When the boys came here there was nothing I could do. But Eleanor hates me, and I hate her.

The phone rings but I don't answer until it goes to voicemail.

"Yeah?"

"She said she didn't take anything. I trust her Harry." Liam says.

"How could you take her side Liam? Don't you remember what she did to me?"

"No? Something happened?" He questions.

"Liam, she- oh god." I take a deep breath.

"Harry, what happened." He demands as I swallow hard.

"She told me what I was facing was nothing. She told me her life is so much harder than mine. She said I was in the way of them loving each other and that I didn't even know half of Louis like she did. She told me that my life isn't as horrible as hers." I say before I realize the hot tears are streaming down my face.

"Fuck," Liam shouts.

"Please tell me you didn't listen to her." Liam asks.

"I- I heard her. I took it hard. I-"

"Do you believe her?" Liam raises his voice.

"N-" I pause before screaming.

"Yes!" I yell.

"I do believe her and it's my damn fault that Lou is gone!" I scream before sliding down the wall and covering my face with my hands.

My body is shaking so much and I can't stop crying. I do believe her now that he asks. I don't believe that what's happening to me is less worse than her though. Louis you fucking wrecked me! Why would you ever leave me?

"Harry- Harry remember what I said deep breaths."

"I can't do this anymore," I gasp into the phone.

"Harry, I'm already walking towards your front door. Stay put."

"Liam it hurts!" I scream again as I hear him walk through the door. I throw my phone as hard as I can before sobbing.

Liam comes over to me and holds me in his arms as tight as he can. I'm still shaking and I can't stop. Sweat trickles down my face as I cry into his arms.

"It hurts so damn much," I mumble as I feel Liam's tears hit my bare arms. I look up to see pain shooting through his eyes. He looks miserable seeing me like this. I don't know what to do at this point.

"I'm so sorry, I'm the reason for the pain Liam I'm sorry!" I cry as he holds me even closer.

"Shhhh," he tells me.

"No Liam I'm sorry you know I'm the reason you stay up at night with no sleep. You know I'm the reason you worry. It's because I don't have enough strength to piece myself together Liam! I'm so broken I can't do this anymore I can't put you in pain," I whimper as I wait for a reply.

"I would be in even more pain if you weren't here Harry. Trust me it's not you. I promise. I have trouble on my own as well I-"

"You said no more." I whisper so quiet I'm sure he can't hear.

"What?"

"You said no more lying." I state a little louder.

"Jesus Christ Harry. Fine you want the truth?" He backs away from me to sit in front of me. He looks me straight in the eye. I can tell his blood is boiling with anger.

"Yeah most of the time you are the reason! I try so hard to lift you up when you're falling but you continuously tell yourself you're not doing good enough and we go right back where we started! Harry I know things are hard but you need to fucking listen to me! It's too late, he's gone and it's tearing us all apart. But you and me both have a life ahead of us. We can't spend it crying in each others arms because you're telling yourself you're not good enough for the world!" Liam scolds as I slump back even further. It's not that easy. Does no one get that? You loved me and I loved you but we never told each other. If you would've just said something we wouldn't be here crying on our kitchen floor right now. I could've prevented it Lou and you know that! Why didn't you say anything? Why did you let me slip away from you? Damn it why!

"Don't- Don't get any closer." I snap as I slowly stand up. I open the fridge and grab a box full of apple slices. I put one piece in my mouth and force myself to chew. And another, and another. Liam watches in horror as I lean back against the counter.

He stands up and comes over to me.

"Harry,"

"No Liam no! Just wait! Wait and see how easy it is for things to go back to normal!" I yell as I already feel the food sliding back up my throat. I start to feel a little dizzy as I stumble to the kitchen sink.

With that, I lean over the edge and heave up the few pieces of apple I ate. But it goes even deeper as I'm almost sure some of my stomach lining comes up. My body feels like it'll shut down any second as I finally stop puking.

I turn around to see Liam wiping fresh tears off his face.

"It will never go back to the way it was." I state proving my point.

My head is now pounding as I see a paper clip sitting on the counter next to the sink. If I'm going to do it, I have to do it now.

I pick up the clip with the little energy I have left and instantly start digging into my wrist. Liam is screaming at the top of his lungs as I make a clean line across. It all hurts so bad. Too bad.

I drop the paper clip as Liam runs over to me.

"HARRY!" He screams but I can't respond. I can't move. My vision starts to blur out as I catch the final glimpse of Liam dialing for an ambulance.