91 Days Of Missing Your Name

Day 18

I was easily sulking around in bed this morning. I wouldn't get up. I wasn't hungry. I wanted sleep, but I couldn't. I didn't want to have the reoccurring nightmares. Seeing you, Louis, in my dreams scares me to death.

I only got up when I heard a knock at the front door. When I opened it Liam walked in. I trudged back to my bed as he followed right behind me. As I laid back down he sat there near my legs staring at me.

"What?" I ask.

"Harry you need to come to dinner with us tonight it'll be fun."

"No. I don't want to."

"Harry please. Stop."

"You can't make me do anything I don't want to. The pain is so much. I feel like I can't do anything without Louis here."

With that Liam stood up. His eyes filled with rage. A side of Liam I had never seen.

"Harry that's enough! Stop acting like you're the only fucking one who's having a hard time! He was all of our band mates! He was the soul of our group! You think it's hard for us? Hell yes! Do you see us all depressed laying in our beds all day sobbing? No! Harry fucking get over it! Louis is dead okay? I'm done trying to fucking fix you. You have to fix your own damn self because I've tried. I drove you to therapy. I've texted you and called you and tried to keep you company but you push us all away. You need to give it up. We are all having a hard time. Not just you. Stop acting like a goddamned baby and start doing something with yourself!" He fires in my face.

I screamed at the top of my lungs before bursting out in tears.

"I'm the reason he killed himself!" I scream.

Suddenly Liam looks down at me. His mouth drops a little as I try to wipe away my tears. "You fucking asshole." I say to him.

"Harry I- I didn't know.."

"Yeah maybe because I didn't want anybody to know. Damn you Liam." I tried to wipe away the tears but they wouldn't stop falling.

"Tell me."

"Tell you what?"

"I'm not that stupid, how do you even know he killed himself because of you?"

I sighed before explaining the note.

"Can I read it?"

"No. God no." I say before wiping away the final tears.

Liam sits back down and places his hand on my bed.

"You know it's not your fault. None of us knew anything we thought it was just some stupid rumor." He says.

"Liam I know that trick. When people say it's okay and it's not. It won't ever be. And it is my fault. I could've done something. But I didn't. I should've gotten up earlier. I should've told him what I had been holding inside of me for so long."

"I'm sorry Harry. I really am. What I said earlier-"

"Was bullshit and made me feel really fucked up." I interrupt.

"Yeah, sorry. You really do need to come around with us though Harry. It's only making it worse for you to sit here."

"Maybe. Maybe when I don't feel so shitty." I sigh as he gives me a hug.

"Please don't take any of that to heart. I'm sorry again Harry." As he begins to walk to the door I follow him.

"Oh and Liam?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't tell anyone. Please."

"Okay. Have a good day Harry."

I close the door behind him before screaming again.

I'm screwed. Christ I'm screwed.

I told Liam our one secret and he admitted how fucked up I am.

I can't take that. My head is spinning and my heart is beating so fast. I lay down Before falling asleep.

This time I didn't just dream up nightmares, I dreamt of myself. I am my own nightmare.