91 Days Of Missing Your Name

Day 32

'Gonna start this morning with a live stream...tune in if you're interested. I know it's early but I've got loads to say and I need ears to listen.' I tweeted out once I woke up.

I dug around my bookshelf for my mac book as I finally found it. I pulled up livestream and started it up.

Liam was in the guest bedroom, I'm assuming still sleeping. It's five am and I know it's early but I wanted to fill the fans in. I turned on the lamp and sat on my bed.

"Hi guys. I'm gonna wait a few minutes for a few more people and I'll get right to it." I say as I watch the numbers soar up. It's crazy how many fans get these alerts and instantly want to see what's happening.

I watch the numbers jump from ten thousand to thirty thousand as my palms start sweating and shaking. I'm not planned on what I'm going to say, but I'm always nervous for the outcome of a twitcam.

After a couple minutes of waiting I decide to start.

"Well, uhm let's get started I guess. I feel weird having to announce all this but I don't think there's any better way," I say as I see the numbers ticking higher and higher.

"So yesterday, well I don't know if you've heard, but yesterday Gemma got in a pretty bad wreck. Payne and I drove down to the hospital but she was still asleep. To be honest I don't know what to do, right now at least." I scroll through some of the comments coming. Tons of apologies and sorrows are sent but what good does it do?

"I want to fight for Lou. I really really do. It would be extraordinarily hard for me to let go without a fight. I need some soldiers in my army though. And I'm not asking for you guys to come bombard my house. I just want to have somebody there for me. Anybody. Everybody."

The comments went crazy with fans volunteering left and right. It wasn't like that though. I didn't want just a girl. Just a boy. Just a fan.

There's something I'm missing from my life. It's the hope of having somewhere to turn to. I've never quite had that ever since you died Louis.

"Um I mean that's great but it's not really what I meant." I mumble while messing up my hair and throwing it to the side.

"Listen, it's been hard. So hard. I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore. I can't smile, I can't laugh. All I do nowadays is cry and cry and cry. I wish things were like they used to be. I just wanted to let you all know how rarely you'll see me anymore. Barely any tweets or posts. Probably no pictures or concerts or anything. I'm really sorry but I'm not ready for it. It's been a little over a month now, and looking back on everything just tears me apart." I state as I look straight into the eyes of the kid on the screen. That's me. I can't even believe to see my own face anymore.

"Well I'm going to let you sleep now. I don't really know where I was ever intending to go with this. Thanks for listening to what I had though. I'll see you guys very soon." I wave and sign off and end the video.

I spent 6 minutes talking mumbles and jumbles of words that I didn't even understand.

"Des called," Liam says as I jump.

"Care to knock?" I ask as he sits on the bed.

"Sorry mate." He says as he laughs.

"Why the fuck would Des call?" I ask going back to the conversation.

"He wants to see you again."

"Hell no." I bluntly state as I remember my dad being at home. He expects me to see him after I haven't seen him since I was 7? And he walked out on my mum and us. That's a low thing to come back to. Why now? This is possibly the worst time ever to think of the idea.