91 Days Of Missing Your Name

Day 19

I looked at the clock again. It still read 4:13 AM.

Louis I'm scared. I'm scared that I'm going to try to go. I'm scared ill try and end my life.

I want to see you. It's bad again. I miss you.

I'm fucked up without you. I'm not the same. You changed me in so many ways and then left with no sign at all. I'm sad again, really sad. I don't move I don't speak I don't eat. Everything is pointless.

'I'm done trying to fucking fix you' Liam's voice rings through my head as I look at the pills in my hand.

'You need to give it up' I look at the amount of pills you're supposed to take. It reads two.

I pour out at least four before putting the container back. The cold concrete was freezing my toes. My eyes seeing nothing but darkness. Besides a small light from the clock that now read 4:26 AM.

'Please don't take any of that to heart'

But yet here I am. Now sitting on the bathroom floor. At the door of life and death.

Lou help me. I don't know what to do. I'm lonely. I'm afraid. I can't go on the way I am.

Before even thinking I throw the pills into my mouth and swallow. Suddenly I burst out in tears before sticking my finger into my throat and trying to purge the pills.

Something came out, whatever it was. My mind was racing, my heart beating fast. My forehead has never sweat so much. Louis I can't die.

I don't wanna die. I wanna stay. I wanna stay here with you. I quickly dial 911 before telling them I tried to kill myself.

-

Before I knew it I was laying in a hospital bed. Tons of tubes and wires connected to me.

Then I blinked.

Louis I'm still alive. I lived.

But then my smile quickly faded. I wanted to live to be with you. I hadn't thought about you not being here. You're not here Louis.

I can already imagine Liam screaming at me. Saying things like,'You fucked up asshole! You only care about yourself! Why would you even try and kill yourself!"

Because nobody knows what it's like to be me. They can't feel the pain. They can't feel my heart breaking. They can't feel what it's like to have your whole world fall apart in a matter of days.

A doctor walks in and tells me,"You're a strong fighter. It's going to be alright." He sets a red rose on my lap before patting my hand.

"This was found with him when he died. There was one note specifically left that said : To my love. HS xx."

A tear rolls down my cheek as I pick up the flower along with the note.

"Louis would want you to still be here. I think he's the reason you lived."

I stared at your beautiful handwriting before looking up at the ceiling.

Behind that ceiling and behind the clouds and the sky you're somewhere. Louis you're looking after me. I know you are.

Just for you I'll keep fighting. Only because I love you Lou.