After the bell

Fifty seven

**warning self harm**

It was the next day I hadn't slept, I had spent the night sobbing to myself into Jon's t shirt that he had given to me.

I laid there feeling completely numb all day, my dad tried getting me to get up, tried getting me to eat if not for me but for the baby but I wasn't having any of it, I honestly didn't want to carry on without Jon.

Even though we hadn't said it but I knew, we both knew it was over between us as someone out there had done a good job of keeping us apart.

Someone knocks on the door and sticks there head around the door, it was my mom.

"Hey darling" she said walking in sitting down on the bed "your dads worried about you"

I just lay there not saying anything I just stare into space.

"Peyton darling, I get your hurting, but you knew deep down you and the teacher could never be happy" my mom said.

I just stare at the wall not saying anything, I felt numb I didn't want to carry on without Jon, he was my everything.

My mom sits there with me for a few minutes when there was another knock on my bedroom door this time it was Lana.

She walks in and my mom gets up leaving the room, Lana sits on the bed.

"Hey" she said laying next to me "I thought I would of heard from you"

I don't say anything still I just look at her.

"I spoke to Jon last night" she said looking at me, seeing if I would react to his name but I didn't "he told me what happened, I'm sorry"

"Don't be, I don't need your sympathy, I don't need anything, just him" I replied.

"Like he told me on the phone it's impossible for you both to be together" Lana said

"I don't want to carry on without him" I told her.

"It might not seem it now but it will get easier, look at it like this you haven't got Jon but he has given you the most amazing gift"

"Gift?" I questioned her

"The baby" Lana reminds me "Jon wanted you to keep it because he knew that you couldn't be together, this way there's a connection between you"

"You call having a baby on your own a gift, this isn't a gift! This is a nightmare, this is not what I wanted" I informed her.

I laid there wondering why I let Jon talk me out of the abortion.

"Like I said Pey it will get easier"

"Yeah I'm sure your right, the pain I'm feeling will disappear sooner or later" I said sarcasm filled my voice as I get up "I'm going for a bath"

"Okay I will be with the others" she said getting up off the bed.

"Others?" I questioned her.

"Yeah Emily Daniel is here with your mom stepdad, we all here for you"

I nod my head at her before closing the bathroom door.

I run the bath as I got undressed, I looked at my tummy in the mirror seeing a slight bump was appearing, I knew I'd have to tell my mom soon.

I get into the bath hoping to be able to relax enough to be able to get some sleep.

I lay there trying to shut my mind off hoping that I can just get the thought of Jon out of my head but I couldn't he was everywhere, I'd close my eyes I'd see his face, I could feel his touch, I could even smell him as I'd sprayed his aftershave on his t shirt last night.

I covered my face with my hands closing my eyes tight, I felt frustrated and broken, tears again built in my eyes, I felt like I couldn't cope anymore everything felt useless.

I see the razor on the side of the bath I pick it up looking at it for a second before quickly taking it to bits, I get the blade slitting my wrist with it.

Seeing the blood run down my wrist felt pretty good I didn't panic because I knew this was what I wanted, I close my eyes sliding into the water.

I lay there letting myself fall into the darkness, I didn't care my life didn't seem worth living anymore.