Mr. Misty-Eyed | Josh Dun

reality | eleven

"Everyone gather around for a show,
And watch as this man disappears as we know."

. . . . .

The sheets and blankets that once covered the bed had been kicked to the end, a twisted mass much like the thoughts that floated through my mind. A red glow seeped through the drawn curtains as the sun began to rise. I hadn't slept for more than a two hours and I could feel it from the pressure now being put on my brain.

Something deep inside told me that today should be a day where I didn't get out of bed. Something was wrong, but I couldn't tell if it was just the residual effects of my dream clashing with reality. My forearm rested over my eyes as I continued to lie out on my bed, unmoving. The idea of sleep sounded so inviting, but I knew what lied ahead if I drifted off. So instead I waited patiently for the sun to peak up over the tops of the surrounding city buildings before I got out of bed.

The house was silent as I crept down the stairs and made my way into the kitchen. The clock that hung above the stove read 6:34am. A heavy sigh escaped my lips as I started to prepare a batch of coffee. It was times like these that I lent on my caffeine addiction to get me through the day.

My eyes glazed over as I stood with a half finished cup of coffee in my hands. My shoulders tensed as I tried to relax my mind, but the longer I stood there in silence the more anxious I became. I didn't know how to slow my pounding heart and I quickly set down the mug I was holding onto the counter before I dropped it, my hands starting to shake uncontrollably.

My hands gripped the edge of the counter as I tried to get as much air into my lungs as possible. A wave of panic washed over me, which only caused me to panic even more and I shut my eyes as they filled with unexpected tears. What was wrong with me? There was something about last night's dream that was pushing me over the edge and causing stress for no reason.

"Josh." I flinched away from the touch and spun around to see that Tyler stood a few feet away, concern and possibly fear written all over his face. "You were hyperventilating."

My stomach turned over as I slumped back against the counter I had just been holding onto for dear life. I hadn't even realized I was holding my breath until my lungs began to burn from the lack of oxygen. What was wrong with me?

"Here."

I looked up from the floor to see that Tyler had a glass of water in one hand and my bottle of painkillers in the other. I took the water first, gulping down more than half the glass as Tyler placed two tiny pills into my other outstretched hand. I was such a child.

"When did you wake up this morning?" He shifted uncomfortably and I could tell that there was something else besides my issues on his mind.

"Five-something," I mumbled as I popped the pills in my mouth and finished off the water.

His eyes glanced passed me for a second before he looked back at me. "Have you eaten?"

"No," I choked out, feeling sick at just the thought of food.

"I'll cook something."

I didn't bother telling him I wasn't hungry as I walked around him and took a seat at the small kitchen table in the corner of the room. Everything was just so much harder to cope with these last few weeks and as I sat quietly at the table, I tried the best I could to keep my breathing even. It seemed as though just about anything could set off another panic attack. 

. . . . .

"I have something important to tell you." Tyler now sat across from me at the table, eating his food while I just pushed mine around the ceramic plate. "But I've been waiting for the right moment..."

My eyebrows furrowed in confusion as my gazed turned up to meet his. Setting my fork down, I gave him my undivided attention as he stared back at me, probably rethinking even starting this conversation all together.

He let out a long breath before he spoke. "I signed us up for that open mic thing."

The muscles in my throat constricted as the words left his mouth and I could feel a pressure on my chest start to develop the longer the two of us didn't said anything. My hands fidgeted as they clasped and unclasped, seeing as I didn't know what to do with this newfound information. I quickly pushed myself back and stood from my chair as a burst of apprehension pulsed through me.

"No." My lips parted to say more, but nothing came out. I paced back and forth in the middle of the kitchen before I turned and stared at my best friend dumbfounded at his bold move.

"You can't just say no, Josh." Tyler didn't move from his spot, but his voice raised with every word his spoke.

I pulled at the roots of my hair; the feeling of needing to throw up churned my stomach as my body went rigid.

"We need to do this." Tyler's tone was completely serious as he continued to speak, already knowing I wouldn't respond. "I have to know, Josh. This could really be something and I just need to know."

My shoulders slumped as my eyes darted around the room, refusing to look at Tyler. It had only been a day since Jenna had told us about the flier she had seen and I never would have guessed that it would be the thing that pushed Tyler to move forward with our music. This certainly wasn't the first time he had suggested playing a show, but it was definitely the first time he was adamant about going through with it.

I just need to know. Guilt crept up inside me even more quickly than the panic I was so used to and yet again I wondered how I could be so selfish. This wasn't just about me anymore. It had never been solely about me, but about the love we both shared toward the music we created. As much as it helped me coup with my insecurities, it was also a large part of how Tyler got out his own frustrations.

This was the moment I really needed to think about someone other than myself and my own problems. If I didn't try now I wasn't sure if Tyler would ever forgive me for ruining this opportunity.

I shut my eyes, taking in a large breath of air before slowly exhaling it. I just had to tell myself that this wasn't just about me anymore. "Okay."

"O-okay?" My best friend looked shocked by the fact that I had actually agreed. He didn't have much confidence in me and I totally understood why. I was a complete mess.

"Okay!" Tyler jumped up from his seat excitedly as my conformation fully registered in his head.

He wrapped me in a quick, but reassuring, hug before he bounced out of the room, saying he was going to call Jenna with the great news. I didn't move from my spot in the middle of the kitchen, my heart heavy from what I had just agreed to do.

It was one night that would prove to Tyler and I both that we could make something of ourselves. And I could only hope that in the end I didn't let Tyler down.

.