Mr. Misty-Eyed | Josh Dun

reality | thirty-four

"I realize that this line is dead,
So I'll follow you instead."

. . . . .

My head rested back against the wall behind me, my eyes closed as the images from my nightmare played through my head. The warmth from the sun that came in through the window warmed my body nicely, yet contrasted the way I felt. I shouldn't have been feeling the way I did.

The wooden floorboards creaked and it was then that I opened my eyes to look and see who had entered the room. Bryce shuffled over to the bed, two mugs of hot chocolate in her hands and a smile on her face. She leaned over and I lifted myself up from my leaning position against the wall to meet her half way as she handed me one of the drinks. I smiled at her in thanks.

I shouldn't have been feeling the way I did. Nowadays in my dreams I couldn't remember the face of the person I was trying to save, but when I woke up I knew exactly who it was. And she okay. She was alive.

Bryce crawled onto her bed, crossed her legs before turning to face me. My eyes stayed turned down toward the liquid chocolate in my mug as I continued to tell myself that my dreams weren't real.

"What are you thinking about?" Bryce asked, though I'm sure she knew.

I glanced up at her momentarily. "You."

It was the truth after all, just not the type of thoughts I wanted to be having of her. She cracked a slight smile and rolled her eyes before taking a sip from her drink. Bryce pulled a face at the taste and I couldn't help but chuckle.

"I think Johnny put like three of the packets in this." Bryce grimaced as she set the overly strong drink on the bedside table.

I then took a sip of my own drink and found that the overly sweet yet bitter aftertaste to be quite good. Bryce continued to watch me as I took another sip before I leaned over the end of the bed and set it on the floor.

"I came over so I could talk to you about something Tyler said to me yesterday," I finally spoke.

"Oh?" Bryce looked interested as she rested her elbow against her knee and her chin in the palm of her hand. "What's that?"

"He suggested that we don't record right away like we had planned." I paused, pursing my lips in thought. "That we should wait till I can get a grip on things."

"Do you agree with him? That you think you don't have a handle on yourself?" Bryce asked carefully.

I groaned loudly out of frustration and let my forehead rest against my knees that were pulled up to my chest. After a long pause, I lifted my bowed head and rested my chin against my knees, wrapping my arms around my legs. I turned my hand and stared at Bryce for a while as she did the same, both of us comfortable with the behavior.

"I don't think it's possible for me to ever be fully sane." It felt weird to say that out loud.

Bryce smiled to herself and after a moment she moved from her spot in the middle of the bed to the empty space next to me. She sighed and leaned her back against the wall, pulling at the loose fabric of her sweatpants.

"I think it's good that you can admit to that." She glanced over at me. "You're finally accepting who you are. Don't be ashamed of your flaws, Josh."

I tilted my head in thought as Bryce smiled up at me. She was right. I had always run from my insecurities, from my flaws, when I should have been embracing them. That's what Bryce did. That's what Tyler did. Now it was what I had to do, and this time I would succeed.