Broken Walls *AU*// L.T.

18. Entries

Louis P.O.V.

I buttoned up my jeans and tried to look presentable for Cami and Marie. I may be an asshole to Cami, but that's only because she deserves it. And for fucks sake , I still like her, love her, and I can't change that. I just fucking can't.

I run a hand through my hair and walk over to my desk in search of my English journal, one new entry every night. And I think now is the time to let my feelings out.

I feel a notebook in the bottom drawer, and fish it out. Everyone in our English class had been given these the first day of school, each a shade of royal blue. I had gotten mine that week on Friday, since I was out of town previously.

I grabbed a pen from the top drawer and sat down at my desk, opening the notebook slickly. But I'm definetly not expecting to see this.

Every word is written in beautiful cursive, every letter a shade of pink. Cami must of left her notebook here last week and I put it away with my books, it probably got switched. Shit, that means she has mine. Damn it, every day there is a new complication.

Should I.. read it? I mean.. maybe I can see how she feels about me. That'll be a good thing right? Or maybe that will be disobeying her privacy. But she disobeyed my rules. It's fair if I read it right? I ignore the small voice in the back of my head and begin to read anyway.

September 14th, 2013. Friday

So, how do I put this. Hi diary? Er, I mean journal, honestly I have no idea what to call you. All I know is that you are what I'm supposed to confide in all throughout the year. Your supposed to be the thing that makes all my problems go away while I get lost in the paper that draws to the ink of my pen. But how are you supposed to make that happen? How am I supposed to confide myself in something that means nothing to me?

I don't think this will help with the thoughts I have lately. This won't help with the bullying, and the suicidal thoughts, and the way that I am constantly harrassed both physically and emotionally. But all that's a different story. But the cause of it, Louis.

Me? I am the cause of suicidal thoughts? I made her life that bad of a living hell? And I still am. God I'm a monster. But I still read on.

I haven't been cutting recently to let out my anger, frustration, and pain. I've mostly had a summer where I didn't have to hide in the shadows along my bedroom wall to keep him from looking in. But, he is back. I saw him a week ago before school started. He started to touch me again, and act like I was his toy. But I'm not. And I'm broken. I should already be thrown out.

I try so hard to get away but nothing ever works. I feel so helpless. I feel like every day is a new challenge. I try to stay strong on my feet but then I got knocked down again on my feet by the one and only. Am I really that worthless, journal? Are you really my only friend on this world? It seems like it.

Ive tried for so long to be his friend and to have a friend, then maybe people will like me but it never works. Why do people not like me? Am I not good enough? I should have gone through with my suicide last year, it would have been way easier on everyone. But I just have to know, what did do to deserve this kind of cruel punishment for my whole high school life? Am I really that worthless?

All I wanted to do was scream that she wasn't worthless, but I knew Cami wasn't by my side. All that came out was whispered scream and the trickle of blood down the spot on my arm where I had dug my nails in so deep, just to feel the pain of Cami.

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Cami P.O.V.

"So he basically called you a slut and cheated on you right in front of your face?" Haz concluded with furrowed eyebrows.