Broken Walls *AU*// L.T.

48. Living

Camilla P.O.V.

There comes a time in every ones life where they have to move on and live the life that was given to them.

Sometimes, that time doesn't come for a person until they are much older, randomly. And for that reason, many let themselves get dragged under the surface of life, gasping for air or a simple object that will keep them surfaced. Sometimes, there is no stopping the dragging under, and you drown completely, never being able to resurface the person you once were ever again.

Many try to stop the pulling under, by adding a new simple complexity in their life, making it as if the person in question is okay.

Okay. There is a difference between fine, okay, and great. Fine is a word meaning no meaning at all. It just simply means you are exsisting in a presence and cant be bothered with. Being okay is not even close to being great. Okay means you are simply living in between fine and great.

I have simply been okay for months now.

Asy eyes run across the blank paper in front of me, I can only think to myself, When did my life go so horribly wrong?

The clock on the wall is ticking loudly, pounding its tick in my ear until it just drives me absolutley mad. My palms are sweaty and I know that there is only fifteen minutes left to complete my essay before Thanksgiving break.

However, my mind feels elsewhere today. After a few days of staying out of school and coming back, all thats on my mind is everything that I have been thinking about ove those days.

I am a horrible person. A truly, and utterly horrible person.

I used Harry as my anchor, until he finally gave up and let me sank. I still use Louis, even though he thinks I dont, I know I do. I am just scared of the outcome of not having somone there for me who loves me and will do anything for me unconditionally.

I just feel so useless in life. I know that all this thinking I've done over the past few days is not good for me, but there is still that guilt nagging in the back of my mind.

I ignore it once again and wipe my palms on my jeans, picking up the pen in front of me. The topic in English is "What are you thankful for in life?" Of course, it's Thanksgiving and I can't come up with one thing I'm thankful for.

My eyes are starting to water again, my mind realizing that once again it's a selfish bitch who can't even write what they're thankful for.

My body forces me to start to write on the paper, the ink making it's mark onto the white. Our English teacher always tells us not to think when we write and just to let go. So, I do exactly that.

"In life, I have no idea what I'm thankful for. I should be thankful for my mum, and I am I guess. I should be thankful for her bringing me into this world, and for God watching over me every day. I should be thankful for the wonderful education that I get every day. But what comes along with education? People. Horrible people and horrible hatred. Why should I be thankful for that? You see, my mind can't simply be thankful for anything when it knows it's selfish. With every thing in life, comes a complication. Again, I should be thankful for life, but what good would that do? We live as children, and grow into teenagers, scavenging off our parents income, only to grow into an adult and live your life working day in and day out to keep living until God decides it's your day to leave, your own children doing the same thing to you that you did as a young adult. It's a cycle you see, a never ending hellhole that I will never be thankful for. However, there will come a day when the world can never hurt me again a it always does, and on that day I will be thankful. But I will never, ever, thank the messed up operation of a place someone calls life."