secret love » chris dixon

- nineteen

I had endless days and weeks of sobbing. Now I've got to the point were I can't cry anymore. I'm sad, but no more tears can fall.

Everything is strange. Life. People. I thought because I had less friends, less bullshit - they always said to keep your circle small.

"Maya?" Jack knocked on my door. "Hey." I said, signalling for him to come in.

"Are you okay?" He asked sitting next to me. Even though I wasn't crying, I was still emotional. He doesn't know what's up, I didn't dare to lie again. I just told him it's nothing to worry about and I'll get over it. He understands if I don't want to tell him things. "Yeah, I should be seeing... People, today." I stutter. I wasn't seeing anyone, I just needed to get out of the house. Even if it is a miserable day and it's raining.

"Okay, that's nice." He said and got up to walk away.

"Were you and Chris drunk on my birthday?" I asked, just as he was about to close the door behind him. "Uh- Chris was, more than me... Why?"

"No reason." I gave him a soft smile and he returned one.

I had the thoughts surrounding my head, Ana took advantage of Chris. He was venerable. She used him and I blamed him. He's not the bad guy in all this.

I sighed and grabbed my phone and coat to head out, somewhere. I didn't know where I was going.

Going down the stairs, grabbing my keys and walking through the door, I decide I'm going to go and get a coffee from the little bakery down the road.

The rain drops trickle down the leaves of the autumnal trees, swaying in the wind. Drops of rain fall on to the hood of my coat with is firmly on my head.

Wandering to the shops I walk past the woods where I can see I can see an empty treehouse. I sigh as all the memories with Chris come rushing back.

Walking down the cobbled streets of the lined up shops in Jersey I walk into the coffee shop and order my regular with a sandwich.

"Are you okay?" The cashier, Rosie asked me. I used to come in here quite a lot to grab coffee's for Chris and Jack when they filmed together all the time - that's how she knows me.

"I'm fine." I smiled at her, ruffling around in my bag for my purse. "That's £5.90 then please." She announced and I got out the right change for her.

The decrepit old woman took the money from my hand and waited for the receipt to print.

As I was waiting, my eyes wandered around the vintage shop. Jars of old fashioned sweets behind the counters, magazines and newspapers on the stands, ice cream cabinets, sweetie shelfs, this shop is always so quiet and humble, I love it.

"There's your receipt and change." She smiles. "Thank you, bye." I go to walk off when I am stopped by 2 very familiar figures that are not in my good books right now.

I stop and look at them both for a split second, if you blinked you would've missed it. Tears glazing over my eyes. I keep my head down and carry on walking. I feel Chris look behind him and look at me rush out.

They both looked happy, as if I never existed. As if I was never anything to Chris - well let's face it, I'm barley anything to him now.

As my steps quickened I feel footsteps close behind me. "Maya." She says breathless. I turn around and it's Rosie. "Stop, what're you doing?" I laugh, wondering why she came after me with her crippled body. "That young lad, you had something didn't you?" She asked.

I nodded and looked down at my coffee, and swished it around in the cardboard cup. "But she got in the way?"

"She didn't get in the way, she just ruined it..." I explained. I eyed them both in the vintage shop and watching them look genuinely happy together. They were holding hands and she was looking at him like she really needed him. She didn't, I do. I love him.

Rosie quickly walked back to the shop and took her cute little apron off and rushed back out. "Let's go for a walk." She rubbed my back while we walked.

I looked back at them both and Chris was looking back at me. And so was Ana, she has a sympathetic, guilty look on her face. I continued to stare as a tear trickled down my cheek. "Don't look back, darlin'."

We found a bench far away from our previous destination and sat. "Explain." She demanded.

We spoke about how it all started, how Chris and I started seeing each other, the fight, my bruises, like it was one big fairytale with one big happy ending.

She was so wise, like she had much experience with love, like a mind reader. She was like the granny I never had. Of course I have relative grannies, I'm not close to them at all.

As I did so Rosie invited me into her arms while I cry. "I love him." I whispered. She stroked my hair as she slowly rocked me back and forth like I was a precious new born baby.

"You love me?" I heard a voice speak up out of nowhere as he walked out into the open, where I could see him clearly.

I sat up and looked at Chris shocked. Searching for Ana she came close up behind him and smiled at me. My eyebrows knit together in confusion.

"Because I love you, too." He confesses. I stand up and he walks towards me.

Baring in mind there were 2 people just watching us, Chris cupped my cheeks and delicately pressed his lips to my own. They moved in sync as the kiss was so passionate and meaningful.

As we pull away he looks flustered and so do I. Ana suddenly speaks up and Chris and I part.

"Maya I'm so sorry. I don't know what I was doing. You and Chris are perfect and I don't know why I was trying to get in the middle of you both," She began to explain but I cut her off with a hug. This takes her by surprise and takes her a while to hug back, but eventually she did. "It's okay."

"And Chris I'm sorry for 'using' you, I just wanted to get one back on Maya for using me as an excuse. Call it bullshit but I'm sorry. I hope we're good." She gives him a weak, guilty smile and he nods back at her in approval. Ana soon walks off back home and now it's just Chris, Rosie and me.

I turn back to Rosie and thank her for everything. "Together, that's all you need." She mumbles and steadily walks back to her work.

I walk back to the green eyed cutie who was full of life and smiled at him. It was like our first few days all over again. All shy and awkward, but in a good way. "I'm so sorry everything had to end up this way, May." I smiled at his use of the word 'May'. He's never called me that before and I like the fact that he's beginning to.

"It's okay." I said and grabbed his hand. "But answer me one thing." I said, looking down at our intertwined hands. "Where you and Ana..." I stuttered. Not wanting to continue my sentence, he cut me off anyway.

"No. We weren't anything. It was a drunken mistake taken way too far. I love you, and only you. You and me, that's all I need." He explained. I felt a huge smile plant across my face as he told me he loved me. My heart melted. "I love you, too." And we walked off into the distance, hands held.

happy birthday daddy zerk :))
well done to chris in the wembley cup, insanely proud of him, he deserves every ounce of happiness.

daisy x