Ronnie's Songs (Completed) #Wattys2017

III - Breakeven

'Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't break even. What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?

I shifted. I tossed. I turned. Until I fell onto the floor. Damn it!

I don't understand why on Earth I couldn't sleep! I woke up in the middle of the night and I was finding it hard to go back to sleep.

"Oww!" I cried. My bottom hit the floor first. The floor wasn't that nice to me at all.

"Wuzzat?"

I gasped. I almost screamed, suddenly relaxing when I remembered that Thomas--I mean, Tom's in my room. I was used to being alone.

"N-nothing," I stuttered.

It was dark. I could only make out the silhouette of him from the streetlights that were visible from the window.

"You alright? I think I heard a thud," he said with a hoarse voice. He was probably having a deep sleep and there I was, falling on the floor and ruining his dreams. Really.

I went back on the sofa and picked up the pillows that fell with me. "Maybe. Maybe you're hearing things I can't," I even mocked. "I'm going back to sleep. Good night," I said.

"You shouldn't sleep on the sofa, Veronica. You don't have a duvet and it's cold. You might end up having fever," he said, sounding concerned.

"I can manage," was my brief answer.

"I insist," he said, commanding like he owns the place. Excuse me? He placed himself in my bed a few hours ago like the idiot he is, and now he's trying to make me feel like I'm the intruder. Wow.

"Fine," I said. "Let's switch places. You sleep here, I'll sleep there."

I heard him heave a deep sigh. "Alright. If only I wasn't so sleepy," he said.

Finally!

As I lay in my bed and felt the comfort of it, I can't help but think of how weird this circumstance is. I was also trying to think of how Tom was coping with it. The way he's acting, it seems like he doesn't even care. The bottomline is, I still couldn't sleep. Argh!

"Veronica, you're still awake?" It sounded more like a statement than a question.

"Yes, I'm praying. Shush," I lied.

"No, you're not," he replied. "I'm looking at you at this exact moment and I can see that you're mindlessly staring at the ceiling. A penny for your thoughts?" he added.

"I thought you were sleepy?" I interrogated. "Even if you give me a billion pounds, I wouldn't tell you what's inside my head," I said furthermore.

"Then should I tell you what's in mine?" he said.

"You think I care?" I said coldly, turning to face away from him.

A few seconds later, I felt him beside me. Everything happened so fast. He hugged me from behind and nuzzled his face on my neck. I couldn't react for a while. I was contemplating whether it was goosebumps and butterflies that's happening to me. Then I elbowed him hard, reckless of where my elbow would've landed. It landed somewhere it shouldn't and he screamed so loud, it was enough to wake up the entire neighbourhood. He let go of me and writhed in pain, whilst I stood up to turn on the light out of adrenaline.

"A-are you o-okay?" I asked, my heart beating so loud. I was panicking.

He held up a hand with the other on his crotch, and said, "I-I'm okay. I'm okay," he said breathlessly.

I sat next to him immediately, wishing it was all a joke. Oh, how I wish it was all a joke but he was so red in the face and--did my elbow hit that low? oh, nevermind--I guess my cheeks were so red, too, because of utter humiliation.

"I'm sorry! I'm really really sorry!" I said ruefully.

He calmed down and said, slightly panting, "It's alright. I-I'm okay now."

I rolled my eyes, for the guilt was eating me up. "Next time, you keep your hands off me," I said firmly.

He managed a weak smile and said, "I thought for a moment that you would just let me hug you. If anything, I'm more sorry than--"

"Excuse me, but would you please stop holding your... your... i-it's disturbing me," I said awkwardly.

He was still holding his crotch and it was discomforting. I couldn't help but look away. What a shame.

"--oh, sorry. Anyway, as I was saying, the real reason why I came here is because I knew what happened to you and your boyfriend," he stated without further ado.

I shook my head in disbelief. "We're really talking about this? At this hour?" I asked incredulously.

"Err, you've got a point," he answered. He said nothing more then he laid down on the bed.

Because of guilt, I didn't ask him anymore to leave my bed. Instead, I turned off the light and just sat next to him. Remind me to make him pay next time for all the trouble he's caused tonight.

I turned to the other side and he did the same thing.

Right. It was just the kind of silence that I need. Still, I couldn't go back to sleep. The last thing I need's insomnia.

"Veronica."

"What is it this time!"

"I'm sorry," he muttered.

"If that's about crashing in here and invading my privacy, you know I would take it on you some other time, right? So, yeah, let me sleep," I sassed.

"That, and..." he paused, "I'm sorry for hurting you in the past. I'm sorry for acting such a d*ck to you before. I wish I'd never done what I did, then those boys wouldn't even have a chance at you..."

I didn't say a word. I found it hard to speak and even if it was otherwise, I would've only gone crying.

"But I hurt you more than they hurt you, didn't I? It's too late, I know. It's been a year. It's been a mad year, Veronica. There was never a day that I didn't miss you," I felt him moving. I'm a hundred percent sure that he's talking to my back. "Even if you're already in front of me right now, I'm still missing you. I just want to apologise for breaking your trust... and breaking your heart."

Why did he stop? I thought he wanted me to listen to him?

"Like I've said," another pause... "I still love you, Veronica, and I never stopped loving you. I am a fool and I'm not going to ask you for another chance. All I want is for you to stop treating me like you never knew me, like I'm nothing," he sighed.

A tear escaped from my eye but I didn't say a word. I was just listening. I honestly have no idea what to say. I don't even know if I like what I'm hearing or not. I couldn't find a proper reaction. What was I supposed to say? Didn't I secretly wait long for this moment?

"Say something, please..." he begged.

There, I lost it. I sobbed. Those were normal words but it made me weep. It was a stronger emotion that I was feeling, stronger than when I was crying my eyes out like a child in front of Chris. This time, it was real. It triggered every unhappy thought in me. 

And suddenly, there were flashbacks of me and Tom. How we started as real good friends, the way the two of us with Chris, would hang out together, the way his parents treat me. Oh, his parents... Where do I even begin? They were the nicest people I've ever had the chance to come across with. They treated me like I was part of the family, and his sister, Lav, she was the most adorable child I have ever seen.

We lasted for two years. I thought he was the one. Isn't everyone like that? Always thinking that he/she's the one? Don't we always tend to think that our present lover is the one for us? Then we'll soon realise that it's disappointing, once things don't go according to what we expected. 

The fact is, Thomas, he's my first boyfriend... and he made a record too, for being my first heartbreak.