We Write for Fear of Silence

My disorder is not your diet

You (want to crawl inside my head?) ask how I do it

How do I refuse the sustenance my mouth so desperately screams for (what's my secret?)

How can I die (I am) of thirst with water held to my chapped lips, never taking a sip? (ripping out my thinning hair to keep from taking the glass)

Evaporation, slow disappearance of the soul (I am losing myself)

Hollowed out bones bearing weights too heavy

For their brittle composition, marrow decaying underneath facades of strength (I used to be a dancer, now all of me that spins is my head)

Do (I am not sick) not delude yourself

It is only with great agony that translucence is achieved

Through masking

Violent veins underneath bloodshot eyes (I don't know who I see when I look in the mirror)

And convincing myself that this

Thing in my head is copacetic (it's killing me)

This macabre, conniving thing (but I won't die)

Would never do me harm (right?)

Because it manufactures

The most enchanting dolls

PrettySkinnyLovely (dying) dolls

Made (with) of (cracking paper skin stretched too tight) porcelain

With bitten down fingernails and
Knuckles raw with teeth marks (is beautiful)

I understand (I have to submit)

acquiescence to the shrieking in my malnourished brain (I'm not in denial)

Is the only way to dull the persistent ache of emptiness

Restless eyes

And hopeless nights torment me

As sleep evades my desperate grasp (just having some trouble sleeping)

You say you need to lose ten pounds (to shrink myself is to shrink my pain)

you ask how I do it (I can't do this anymore)

Your voice trembling with curiosity, like you're waiting to taste the forbidden fruit (I don't remember what joy tastes like)

You are oblivious to how

Depravity ravages the weary

And when I shake my head it feels like I'm trying to revive my own corpse

As the syllables die at the back of my throat (I am dying)

Cobwebs smother me from the inside

Your face is a mixture of

Horrified shock

And

Admiration (I am strong)

Because what willpower I must possess

To be so insistent on my diet

You wish to dance with the devil too

And I am (dying)

Glaring pointedly away from you

So you can't see the angry flames ignite in my eyes

You do not want this

I am (strong) so lost

I can't find my way out of the snow

Do not let yourself become entrenched alongside me

In this labyrinth of denial (is not a crime)

Of salvation, of love, of life

It isn't worth it (it is everything I have)

(But) It never was

and yet (does it matter) I still cling to the cold (if)

stop lying to yourself (my heart)

It is not beautiful when the icicles pierce your

Starving heart (stops)