I'm Ruth.
I've never said that to anyone before.
Well, I've never said anything to anyone before.
You guessed it
I'm mute
Nobody's ever been able to read me
Nobody... until him...
My relationship with Chance is really building, I mean it's not like an actual girlfriend/boyfriend thing because I so don't think I'm ready for that but I think he genuinely likes me. He even said he's in love with me. You have NO idea how that feels, the boy you've been in love with for like four months loves you back.
I'm not sure if Chance knows that I love him back but one day I WILL tell him And yes. I will SAY the words 'I love you' to him. Who knows when that will be? But he's my motivation right now, and he's trying to help me too. He says the first step it to become comfortable with my father's death. Which is true, I'm still a bit awkward about it. Maybe that's actually why I'm holding back the words.
Right now, I'm sitting on the front porch of the apartment building waiting for Chance to come pick me up and take me somewhere that he thinks will help.
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After a bit, I see Chance's car pulling up and I hop in the front.
"So, wondering where we're going?"
I remember the last time he said that was when he took me to the stables, if I had known that was where he grew up I wouldn't have been so ignorant or selfish.
He starts the car and I see us turning the way my college is but we go right past it towards city center. He pulls up at an office building and I look up at it. What the...?
"Come on." He's about to reach for my hand but then he pulls back and and scratches his head instead.
He sighs and walks up the steps into the building. I follow behind him until we reach a door that says 'Grief Counselling' on it.
Oh boy.
He opens it and I see a group of people, much older than Chance and I sitting in a circle with a lady leading the session. She stops talking the second she sees us.
"Oh Chance! You made it! This must be Ruth." The lady comes over to me and tries to shake my hand, I pull away immediately.
I know, it's rude.
But I don't know where she's been.
She awkwardly brings her hand back towards her bod and goes to hug Chance.
"Ruth, this is Debora. A family friend." Chance half-laughing at me as I still keep my hand close to me.
I give him the evil eye and hold out my hand for her to shake.
"Nice to meet you Ruth." She shakes my hand and I keep a mental note to wash my hand fourteen times when I get home.
Totally don't have OCD.
Chance motions to two empty chairs for us to sit on. Obediently, I do it.
Debora quietly sits back down in her chair and resumes her talk.
"Everyone, I'd like to introduce you all to a friend of mine - Chance. And his friend, Ruth."
Chance looks down at the floor as Debora says this.
"Ruth, Chance tells me that you lost a family member when you were very young and seem to not be able to let go of it."
I'm just waiting for the awkward moment when she tells me to 'Explain how it feels' or 'Tell something about myself'.
"I just want to let you know Ruth. That everyone in this room is grieving right now, so you are not alone. And it's okay to grieve, everyone has their own way and everyone's brains take things in differently. Some people become severely depressed whereas some people get over it within a few months of the death. I understand that your father dying has taken quite a toll on you, making you brain refuse to speak. And, as most effects of a passing - this will pass eventually. For some unlucky people, it doesn't pass but you seem like a strong and independent girl. I know that with the support of the people who love you, you will be okay my dear."
I listen intently on what she's saying, and it actually makes me feel better. Because it's true, there are people who love me and want to help me. And one of them's sitting next to me right now.
"Ruth, during this session. I want you to think about the 'Seven Stages of Grief'", Debora hands me a paper with seven words written on it (Shock, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Testing, Acceptance). "I want you to think about, whether you have gone through these yet. It doesn't matter when or for how long. Just think."
While Debora's talking to the other people, I think about them.
Shock:
Probably when I first noticed that dad isn't going to be in my life anymore. I was quite young, I didn't really understand the whole concept of 'death'.
Denial:
Endless nights looking out of my window, waiting for him.
Anger:
Pretty much excluding everyone from my life, blaming people.
Bargaining:
You know, that word sounds like I made a deal with the devil or something. But, I do remember going over to friends' houses a lot just to see their dads. Almost like having my own. I wanted to find a way out of that no-dad life.
Depression:
I think around middle school, when I once and for all realized that all my friends have dads. Where's mine? I knew he was dead, but it's like I was still waiting for him to pop up out of the blue like "Hey family, you thought I was dead? Heck no!"
I think I still am
Testing:
I did look up how to deal with grief a lot. I became closer to my mom, try and pretend she's the only parent I've ever really known. I've tried visiting his grave a couple times, to really say goodbye. But I always ended up chickening out.
Acceptance:
----
Nothing.
I notice Chance looking at me this whole time, almost worried.
I look at him back, almost reassuring him that I'm fine.
When he notices that I'm done, he gets Debora's attention.
"Hey, Debbie. We're heading off now. See you next week"
Chances leads me out and we start to drive home.
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Happy? Good. It's 11:00pm right now and I need to wake up at 6:00am tomorrow. But writing is just so dang fun. But seriously, no more chapters tonight.
