I watched him from afar,
The boy I loved.
He looked at her with this sort of awe,
and reverence as if she was the angel
that stopped him in his tracks.
I watched him and wondered,
not for the first time,
what it was that I lacked.
How I missed that certain glow,
why didn't my angel qualities show
or at least peep out every now and then?
I suppose it was her voice,
every bit like a siren who
calls the drifting men in.
Or perhaps it was my jealousy,
because she wasn't cruel.
But heaven help me, because I wanted to challenge her to a death duel right now, because he was looking at her like she was the moon and stars and everything in between.
Heartbreak must be bored of everyone else
to come to me.
I am not someone who
heartbreak bothers with,
I do not tamper with feelings.
But today must have been special,
for as I watched him watch her I felt something.
For a long time I could not name it,
it was foreign.
Hollow.
Like everything I had become
had formed into this vortex
and sucked everything left out of me.
How could he love this shaped vacancy,
this humanoid void that did not have the capability to inspire love?
He asked me if I thought she was beautiful
and I wanted to ask him to define beauty.
I didn't remember what it was.
But I told him yes.
Anything that could feel like she did
must be beautiful,
any person who could shine like that
must harbor the springs from which it flows.
I, on the other hand,
know that those who cannot feel
cannot see beauty.
So I suppose that until my heart is filled,
or at least until emotions can remain within it, I will not understand how it is that
I can love this boy for no better reason than that he loves another.
SK
