And just like that
the bottom fell out,
It was just the glimpse of a year
and I understood what it meant,
how all of that freedom just meant more trial,
more burden, more rent,
I questioned myself as to whatever
gave me the idea that this would be easy,
how when I looked up as a
child and saw my parents how
I could ever be jealous of them,
and so blind to every drop of blood, sweat,
and tears they spent to reassure me
that they knew what to do,
that everything would be okay
because they would fix it.
I look at them now
and it feels wrong to expect that from them,
I've only tasted a small pinch
of what the rest of my life is to be
and they have lived this for
the majority of their lives.
It is my turn it seems,
to find some damn wings and learn to fly.
The fear.
The fear is overwhelming sometimes,
and I don't know what to do
and no one knows what to do
because it's different every time,
the anxiety forms this steady whine
and I can't find my shoes in time
to get out of the house to go to work
and I begin to panic.
And it's only the tip of the real source of panic
that is building slowly,
telling me that for the rest of my life
I get to live totally blind,
that nobody can fix anything now,
that I am all I have.
And the bottom finally falls out
when I realize that I have no idea what I'm doing and I don't know what to do about it.
I have never liked roller coasters,
or flying, or heights,
but life it seems is all of this,
and I can't seem to find my wings.
SK
