I'm writing in hopes that
you are listening right now.
That perhaps if you're there you
can show me how to find you in the despair.
I don't pretend to know right from wrong,
or how to cover weakness
and pretend I'm strong,
I never expected that I would make it this far,
I don't suspect I'll win.
I have no delusions of grandeur that what I've done will be forgotten... or forgiven.
I only know that I must keep living,
I only pray that you may show me why I must.
I realize that I must come across as rebellious,
like I harness this deep desire
to make my own chaos after years
of just being a result of good teaching.
I know that that is how they will see me,
I understand that they won't understand
all the years of bleeding it took
to get to the point where I just accept
that there is nothing I can do on my own
that will stop all the ghosts from haunting me. Because they are the ghosts I have created.
You know all this already.
You know how I've tried to forget it every night, spent nights trying to drown my guilt in words
and bury by regrets in poems,
wasted hours trying to forget,
not because I thought I could,
but because at least if I was trying
I wasn't thinking about it.
I have no solutions except ones
that begin and end in crippling fear,
and no people that I hold so dear
as the ones around me,
so I am left with no mobility.
I always come full circle back to you, and I don't know what I'm supposed to do about that.
But I'm guessing you know.
So I'll just wait until you put the words in my mouth or the courage in my heart,
or the overwhelming desire to be free in my feet,
I'll wait for you to be who you say you are.
SK
