Sleepless Nights //h.s

The Nightmare

That's how we sat the rest of the night. Harry in my chair and I in his. The boys joined us eventually and they had a rousing conversation about everything; from cars, to girls, books, family. Even though they told me they hadn't known each other long they still seemed pretty close. It's not that they didn't try to include me in the conversation I just didn't want to join in. A couple times I would find myself shaken from my thoughts by the lack of noise. Looking up and around at the circle of boys I would realize they had been waiting for me to reply to a question that had been asked. I tried to make my answers sweet, simple, and too the point. After a while Liam just stopped trying. Clearly I wasn't up for talking and he understood. I would catch Harry watching me every now and then. He would cautiously look at me as if expecting me to explode or something, but I was alright. I was fine. At least I pretended to be.

Though it was barely nine I told the boys I was going to sleep. It was plenty dark. Dark enough to see the stars. The whole going to sleep thing was a lie. I would probably lie on my cloud of pillows staring up at the stars til I couldn't bear to keep my eyes open any longer. Harry made no move to join me. Only switched from my chair to his as I got up. It was then, as he passed me, I realized he smelled good, really good. Like mint gum and pine needles. I folded up my chair and carried it slowly back to my camp site. I changed out in the open into my pyjamas which consisted of pyjama bottoms and a dark old shirt. I figured everyone was to busy sleeping or having fun to notice a girl changing beside a car, and actually I didn't really care though I knew I should, given what I had gone through. I hurriedly climbed into my tent and zipped it up behind me. I rubbed my cold arms and crawled under my sleeping bag. I pulled it up to my chin and just stared at the stars like I had told myself I would.

Aaron. I was kidding myself if I said I hadn't thought about him since we broke up. I mean I would see him all the damn time around school. Fawning over the blonde bimbo he picked as his new arm candy. We were together for almost a fucking year and he breaks up with me a month before our anniversary then six days before the date of our anniversary he gets a new girlfriend. How could he move on that fucking fast after he spent countless hours hanging out with me, coming over to my house, studying, singing, playing instruments, going to movies, making out. He was the first boy I kissed the first boy I loved, who I thought would love me enough to wait. Was it such a bad thing that I wasn't fucking ready? And he has the audacity to come up with this lame ass excuse of why I should be ready. If anything I'm scarred for life. I had centered my whole life around him and suddenly he was ripped off like a bandaide.

He left a gaping person sized whole in my heart and no matter how hard I cried or how much alcohol I drank I couldn't numb the pain. I felt it with every breath I took. He took so much out of me, but I guess dumping him wasn't such a bad thing. I had Harry now. Well I didn't have him, have him but I would like to have him. The problem was he reminded me of Aaron. Sweet and cute. He always knew what to say and when to say it, but I always seem to bring out the worst in people. Whenever Aaron and I fought it was bad. It was rare, but bad. With Harry we could hardly form a sentence without pissing each other off. I could tell he cared for me though. Just about as well as he could tell that I felt the same, though we never said it and Harry didn't seem like the type of guy to rush into making things official. With a sigh I turned over onto my check and squeezed my eyes shut. "Let it go." I whispered to myself, and I did. Unfortunately for me my thoughts haunted me dreams.

There I was like always. Same movie theatre. Same clothes. Same everything. It was raining slightly. Drizzling. I had my phone out. You know one of those flip phones. I was young and they were cool. I was rapidly sending a text to Maria telling her it was fine that she had left me there in the cold, in the dark, in the rain. My mom would be here soon. If only I had known what was coming I would have told her to turn around immediately but I hadn't, so I waited. I pushed my phone into my back pocket. My first mistake really. My second was pretending that my parents were down the street at the Walmart so my mom wouldn't get in trouble because it was past curfew. I walked slowly, deliberately. It was dark but there were street lights and people around. I would be fine. My mom would be here soon. Only she wasn't.