Best first: When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
2
I dreamt I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.
3
Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."
Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"
Doctor: "Nine."
4
A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”
5
Two Elephants meet a totally naked guy. After a while one elephant says to the other: “I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing!”
6
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
7
Oh darling, since you’ve started dieting, you’ve become such a passionate kisser…
What do you mean, passionate? I’m looking for food remains!
8
Little Johnny once bought his Grandma a very nice, luxurious toilet brush for her birthday. But when he went to visit her a couple of weeks later, it wasn't in the bathroom.
Little Johnny asked his Grandma, “Gran, what happened to the toilet brush I gave you?”
“Darling, I'm sorry but I just didn’t like it. It was too scratchy. After all those years, I’ve gotten used to the toilet paper.”
9
Doctor: Hello, did you come to see me with an eye problem?
Patient: Wow, yes, how can you tell?
Doctor: Because you came in through the window instead of the door.
10
I haven’t spoken a word to my wife in years. She hates to be interrupted.
11
Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?"
Driver pulls out his mirror and says: "Yes, it's me."
12
My wife’s cooking is so bad we usually pray after our food.
13
What do you get when you cross-breed a cow and a shark?
I don’t know, but I wouldn't enjoy milking it.
14
I'd like to buy a new boomerang please. Also, can you tell me how to throw the old one away?
15
Two flies are sitting on a pile of dog poop. One suggests to the other: “Do you want to hear a really good joke?”
The other fly replies: “But nothing disgusting like last time, I’m trying to eat here!”
16
Coco Chanel once said that you should put perfume on places where you want to be kissed by a man. But hell does that burn!
17
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Jokes, Puns and Sayings
Random𝔻𝕠𝕨𝕟 𝕚𝕟 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕕𝕦𝕞𝕡𝕤? 𝔻𝕠 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕟𝕖𝕖𝕕 𝕤𝕠𝕞𝕖𝕥𝕙𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕥𝕠 𝕔𝕙𝕖𝕖𝕣 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕦𝕡? Well, welcome to the joke book! WARNING: Not all jokes belong to me. They may be repeated throughout the book. It may also contain random memes an...
