Jokes, Puns and Sayings

𝗛𝗶𝗹𝗮𝗿𝗶𝗼𝘂𝘀 𝗼𝗿 𝗻𝗼𝘁?

1

My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, "No, wait! I can change."

2

Two windmills are standing in a field. One asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?"
The other one says, "I'm a big metal fan."

3

I've been dating a homeless woman recently, and I think it's starting to get serious...
She's asked me to move out with her.

4

Thank you student loans for getting me through college.

I don't think I can ever repay you.

5

I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.

I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.

6

My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.

I gave her superglue instead.

She's still not talking to me.

7

This morning on the way to work I wasn't really paying attention and I drove into the back of a car at some traffic lights.

The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy."

I said, "Well, which one are you then?"

8

Tom and Anna are both 60 years old and have been married for 40 years.

One day they go for a walk and all of a sudden a good fairy stands in front of them and says, "You've been married for so long and you're so cute together, I'll grant you a wish each."

The woman is beside herself with joy and wishes for a trip to Thailand. Poof - she's holding two tickets to Thailand and a five star hotel voucher for two.
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The man says, "Wow, that's one chance in a lifetime! I'm sorry, darling, but I wish I had a wife that's 30 years younger than me."
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"Are you sure?" asks the fairy.
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"Yes!" replies Tom without hesitation.
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Poof once more - and he's 90.

9

A boy is sitting on a bus and eating one piece of chocolate after the other. A man sits down next to him and says: "Eating so much chocolate is not healthy for you boy."

The boy replies: "My grandfather died when he was 112 years old."

The man asks: "You think he became so old because he was eating lots of chocolate?"

The boy answers: "He became so old because he minded his own business."

10

A glass of Nutella has about 9870 calories. But I don't care. I never eat the glass anyway.

11

You stole my Microsoft Office and for that you're going to pay.
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You have my Word!

12

In Spain, there is a tradition after a bullfight to serve the mayor the bull's testicles.
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One day after a bullfight, the mayor asks the waiter: "Funny, why are they so small today?"
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The waiter: "Today, sir, the bull won."