Recalling Reality

Chapter 34

Three days and I've stayed to the basement. I need to sort everything out before I found myself all alone. If Ryan wasn't talking to me, then I would have to break down and ask Shane. No one else would know, and I doubt my sister-in-law would ever want to jump to my aide.

I search the desk a couple times, but nothing else was there that could lead me to know what really happened. All I had was that letter that tells me what a horrible person I've become. And I have to go with it.

"Your mom is taking Josie this weekend, and Taylor's boys, for her Gramma weekend at the hotel for swimming. She will be here in a little bit." Shane leans against the doorway and his arms are folded across his cotton covered chest. His jeans are low on his hips and I could tell he was losing the battle with his wits. And it was all because of me. I did this to him. "I think we need to talk."

My heart is aching and my stomach is roiling. This would be the end to my marriage and there was no way I could ever get the chance to fix this. I love Shane, I know I do, and it doesn't have to take a hundred medical professionals to tell me any different. I just have no idea why I would ever sleep with his best friend. It doesn't make sense.

"Yeah. Of course. Do I... Is there anything I need to do... with Josie, I mean?" I stand and a thick lump settles right in the base of my throat. I know what is coming, and I can't stop it. I can't have him leave me. But, I don't deserve to have him, or Josie, at all.

"No. You've done plenty." He nods and disappears back into the darkness of the basement living room.

I rest back in the leather chair and the room is getting blurred. My tears just fill my eyes, but they don't drain this time. This was all my undoing and I deserved to lose Shane. I know that I do. Deep in my heart, I know that it's the truth.

Before my little girl leaves, I make it up the steps and watch her prance around, chanting happily with her dad. They sing some song, and he ends it with picking her up, holding her in his arms, and kissing her forehead. She wraps her arms around his neck and tells him that she loves him.

When she pulls back, she cups his cheeks in her tiny hands, and her smile fades. "I know something is not right with you and Mommy. And I'm sad that you don't like her anymore. I'm sad that you are mad at Uncle Ryan, too. But, I am more sad that you are going to go away. And I am more sad that she doesn't remember me at all."

His eyes glass over as he looks at her, his smile is gone, and the pain is clearly sheeting over his face. "I'm sorry, Josie. Things are a little tough right now. For everyone. When you get older, you will understand. But, for now, we just have to make sure we know that we love each other very much."

"Then, why do you have to leave? You can just stay here with us. We can be adults and work this out together. I know Mommy loves you very much, too."

He looks down, and I could swear that I can see a tear pushing its way out. But, he holds it back the best he can, paints on a smile, and bounces her into the air. "You will never be an adult. Not if I can help it. You..." He blows a raspberry on her cheek, making her cringe from the slobber. "Will never grow up! You will always be my little girl."

"I know, Daddy. You tell me this all the time." She giggles and returns the raspberry to his cheek. "I love you, Daddy."

"I love you too, Josie." He pulls her tight before he releases her back to the ground so she can gather her stuff. When she is out of the room, he covers his eyes with his hand, his left hand.

My eyes water and I look down at my own hands. My stomach clenches tightly and the tears spring to my eyes. He is still wearing his wedding ring, the one the photo collage shows that I put on his finger. But, I don't have mine. Mine are gone.

When the doorbell chimes, Shane wipes his face clean and greets my mother at the door. Josie runs out with her pink backpack and a big smile on her face. She stops and turns as her eyes focus on me.

I step onto the rug at the top of the stairs and I slide across the tiles, catching myself on the shelving unit that holds some more photos and some knickknacks. It's a solidly built shelf and it doesn't budge with my weight, and I am able to straighten up. Josie runs over to me, and wraps her arms around my waist.

"I know I am still a stranger to you, but when I get back, we can get to know each other again. I have some books you made me that I think will really help you remember." She smiles and kisses my cheek. Then, she scuttles to the door and leaves with my mom.

Shane's eyes shift over to me, the pain and hurt is filling up fast. Thrusting his fists into his pockets, he passes me a nod and retreats down the hall, back to the bedroom.

I take my time and follow in his tracks. When I push the door open, he is perched on the edge of the bed, his head in his hands, and his heart is bursting from everything I brought onto him. My own eyes fill with the salty, blistering hot waters just witnessing what I brought this wonderful man to.

Instead, I focus my attention to the room. There is a large photo of a paradise island, with some smaller ones to enhance the arrangement. And on the other wall is a large, flat screen television with an electric fireplace below it. I close my eyes and instantly, it strikes me. The panic surged through my veins and I could see myself climbing out of the bed, scared, and confused, in search of some clothing.

When I open my eyes, my heart quakes and I am out of breath. I step in and pick the brass frame off the nightstand, one that wasn't there the first time I woke up in the room. It was of me and Shane, a cell phone photo where he is sitting on my lap and we both are laughing.

"I woke up in this room. And I was scared. I didn't know whose room this was, and the clothes..." I take a seat on the bed beside him, still holding the framed photo. "I grabbed some clothes and put them on. And... And I had no clue as to where I was."

"That's ridiculous, Hannah. You haven't stepped foot in this room for over six months. You refuse to." He clears his throat and takes the frame from my fingertips. "This is my favorite one. And I would like to take it."

"Where? Where are you going?"

He releases a pent up, hurt-filled chuckle before he actually makes eye contact with me. "You tell me. You are the one who suggested I leave since... since... you admitted to the affair."

My heart stops, taking my breath with it. The pain shutters through my body. My stomach is pushing its way up my throat.

It is true. I did have an affair.